• After a brief hiatus, I welcome you back to another edition of "In the Web."
• Former Senate majority leader George Mitchell released the findings of his investigation into the usage of steroids in baseball last Thursday afternoon at a press conference in New York City. In all, Mitchell fingered 86 former and current players as scofflaws (including 7 former MVP's, 3 Cy Young Award winners and 24 New York Yankees of the past and present). Considering his limited power, Mitchell, a Director of the Boston Red Sox, did an average job stigmatizing some big names. But, it wasn't nearly the blood bath that it would have been, and could have been, had Mitchell been granted with greater investigative powers into the notorious "Steroid Era."
An extremely well-respected baseball analyst who I had the privilege of conversing with on a daily basis a couple of years ago once told me that he believed 65% to 75% of players were guilty of utilizing performance enhancing drugs in this rogue timeframe (1994-Present). I believe the estimation of my source and I think that it's a shame that so few go down when so many shot-up.
• A friend and co-worker of mine, Rick Iorio, wondered aloud if perhaps the Executive Vice President of the New York Yankees, Hal Steinbrenner, should be appointed to conduct a follow-up to the Mitchell Report. I have a sneaking hunch that Nomar Garciaparra, Gabe Kaplar, Mike Lowell and many others from Yawkey Way would be in opposition of such an a appointment.
• Below is an excerpt from an article I wrote on October the 14th.
"If 'Tricky Dick' Nixon was a crook and New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick is a cheat, then Roger Clemens is a thief who is guilty of stealing millions of dollars from Steinbrenner for 4 uninspiring months of mediocrity. Although the most powerful union in America, the Major League Baseball Player's union, would never enable it, Clemens should exhibit some testicular fortitude and attempt to reimburse Steinbrenner for the unmitigated disaster that he was this year. On second thought, his testicles have likely eroded as the result of years of abusing steroids.
Speaking of banned performance enhancing drugs, a report surfaced moments ago indicating that former U.S. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will release his report into steroids before the end of the year and the investigation will link many superstars and previously unmentioned players to the doping scandal. Run, Roger, run! Maybe A-Rod should start warming up to."
Mitchell pinpointing Clemens as a juice-head caught me with about as much shock as when Britney Spears acknowledged she lost her virginity prior to marriage. On the other end of the spectrum, I was absolutely flabbergasted that Alex Rodriguez wasn't in the report. As mind-numbing as it is, in this distorted day and age, Jose Canseco is baseball's answer to “Honest” Abe Lincoln when it comes to performance enhancing drugs. If Canseco says that A-Post-Season-Out has put needles in his back-cheeks then it’s likely he did. Seeing A-Rod tell Katie Couric on CBS that he is, and always has been, clean and void of synthetic testosterone reminded me a lot of when baseball's resident disgraced liar, Rafael Palmeiro, 43, told congress with finger-wagging intensity that he'd "never done steroids, period." Of course, with the Price of Polarization, the only difference was that Rodriguez got paid to pronounce his alleged innocence.
• Generally, I am not a conspiracy theorist. I think Lee Harvey Oswald was Jack Kennedy's lone murderer that terrible afternoon in Dallas, Texas. I think 19 members of Al Qaeda commandeered 4 commercial aircrafts on 9/11/2001 and that's that. But, with A-Rod's conspicuous omission, I wonder if Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig didn't politely ask Mr. Mitchell to keep his paws off the heir apparent to his sports all-time home-run crown. Rodriguez, who has 518 round-trippers at 32 years of age, will likely surpass Barry Bonds, the face of steroids, and his 762 lifetime dingers somewhere in the vicinity of the year 2012. Selig needs a dirty Rodriguez as much as he needs a case of herpes and I am confident that he'll go to great lengths to keep A-Rod's drug results cleaner than Danny Tanner's kitchen floor.
I know that what I'm writing is very speculative and controversial and I realize I'm going to chap a number of asses with my stance here. I am sorry. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I mean, you've heard crazier conspiracy theories, right?
• Listening to President George W. Bush address reporters in the wake of Mitchell's findings was yet another reminder that our leader is not the most phenomenal of public speakers. To be blunt, "Dubya" makes Reginald Denny sound eloquent
• If there's only one thing we should take away from the Mitchell Report it is that accused slugger David Justice "don't do no needles."
• Going into the 2007 MLB Playoffs, I erroneously predicted that the New York Yankees would cruise to their 27th world championship with ease. They didn't and the 2008 version of the Bomber's won't either if their brass doesn't finally make a transaction of some significant means. Oh, re-signing veterans at the back end of their careers doesn't count.
• The New England Patriot's (14-0) defeated the overmatched New York Jets (3-11) 20-10 Sunday in deplorable weather conditions to conclude this year’s chapter of "the Border War." The Patriot's truly are a tremendous squad and they could compete with any team from any era. Nevertheless, they haven't won the championship this year yet and every week I become more convinced that they won't.
• It's been more than ten days since "Pretty Boy" Floyd Mayweather ( 39-0 ), 30, knocked-out British folk hero Ricky "the Hitman" Hatton ( 43-1 ), 29, and I still can't get Hatton's song out of my head.
There's only one Ricky Hatton,
There's only one Ricky Hatton,
Walking along,
Singing a Song,
Walking in a Hatton wonderland.
Without dispute, these are the most grating lyrics since Hanson spewed "Um-Bop" circa 1997.
• Brian Sean Griffith, 40, a former bodyguard and hitman for white-trash figure skater Tonya Harding, died of natural causes last week in Washington County, Oregon. Griffith, who is the former Shawn Eckardt, gained infamy in 1994 when he conspired with two other degenerates, Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and the thug known as Shane Stant, to immobilize Harding's rival skater, Nancy Kerrigan. Despite her bummed gam, Kerrigan still managed to win the silver medal at the 1994 Winter Olympics. Griffith ultimately served 14-months on charges of racketeering for his role in the incident and he changed his name legally after being sprung from the pen in September of 1995.
Griffith, a born loser who was charged with misdemeanor assault in 2001, saw his computer business, Applied Information Systems, go belly-up in 2005 and he had been struggling to make ends meat ever since. There must be a higher power when a 40-year-old man of his moral fiber dies of "natural causes." As the nefarious Greek said on HBO's "The Wire," "The World is a smaller place now."
• I hope I find everyone having a tremendous Holiday Season and I sincerely thank you for giving me your time.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
In The Web
First off, I’d like to thank all of you for joining us for another fine edition of In the Web. Due to high stress from the holidays and personal life turmoil, In the Web’s regular author, Colin J. Linneweber, will be taking a week off.
In the wake of the blue-gummed Bambino, Alex Rodriguez, slithering back to the South Bronx to sign a consolation-prize contract of potentially $315 Million dollars, we’ve found ourselves in a whirlwind of smoke & mirrors that is commonly referred to as the MLB’s Winter Meetings. Despite the conclusion of the Winter Meetings last week, the Yankees-Red Sox-Twins rumor mill continues to sputter like Thornton Mellon’s sprinkler system on a hot July morning. Whether or not Johan Santana, Erik Bedard, Dan Haren and others will be dealt (and where) remains to be seen. But I think we can all conclude that, like every other off-season, the MLB “Hot Stove” reports would be more entertaining if we were able to watch Cpl. John Winger (Bill Murray) apply the “spatula treatment” to an attractive young M.P. (redheaded Sean Young) on top of that “Hot Stove”. At least there would be a definitive conclusion (in Winger’s case he and Harold Ramis get laid). My point here? The MLB off-season trade talks are the single most futile and monotonous story that the sport can provide, and it’s the same routine every year. Wake me when someone signs on the dotted line. Kudos to the Marlins and Tigers for sealing a mammoth deal, with less than 24 hours of obnoxious hype.
Monday morning, Falcons QB Mike Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison for the illegal dogfighting enterprise conducted at his Virginia home. As a dog-lover, I am not going to comment on the severity of the sentence. Virtually everyone in America has anger related to this story, its just a question of which individual angle on the story specifically chaps your ass. We saw several of the Falcons fans and players show support for Vick in the MNF game between Atlanta and New Orleans. I truly applaud both the fans and players for this, as Vick deserves a shot at serving his time and earning forgiveness/2nd chance etc. Coincidentally yesterday, Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino resigned to return to the NCAA ranks and coach the Arkansas Razorbacks. (For just a second, put aside the fact that the Petrino’s, Steve Spurrier’s and Nick Saban’s of the football world are pompous jackasses for playing musical chairs with their profession.) Later that afternoon, WR Roddy White angrily declared, “He’s (Petrino) abandoned us. We gave him and his family everything we had. The organization gave him all the money. Now he’s abandoned us.” This was the same Roddy White that not 24 hours earlier pulled his jersey up in the endzone to reveal a “Free Michael Vick” spraypainting on his undershirt. Did White make any remark about team captain Vick abandoning the Falcons with his criminally irresponsible lifestyle? Did White mention anything about the $130 million that the organization invested in his “homeboy”, that went down the toilet with the hammer of the Judge’s gavel? Of course not. I don’t think I need to spell out the irony here. It’s just typical in a professional sports world that seems to excuse millionaire athletes for not leaving their “ghetto” lifestyle behind them. It’s always everyone else’s fault……isn’t it, Roddy?
I will leave the Floyd Mayweather 10th Round KO over Ricky Hatton to Mr. Linneweber’s eagerly anticipated return next week, as boxing is his forte.
At approximately 3:30 Sunday afternoon, a prominent New Jersey business owner flew his private jet over Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA with a flag reading “Barry Bonds 756 HR*, Bill Belichick 3 Super Bowls*.” Just minutes later, the most potent offense in NFL history, performed a gridiron equivalent of open heart surgery on Steelers’ free safety Anthony Smith. On a day in which the Patriots ran 34 passing plays in-a-row, Smith bit on a play action fake to Laurence Maroney, allowing Randy Moss to slip 15+ yds behind the secondary, waltzing into the endzone for a touchdown. Two quarters later, Smith failed to hold his position and bit on a cross-field flea flicker from Brady/Moss/Brady to #5 target, Jabar Gaffney. Aside from publicly guaranteeing a Pittsburgh victory, Smith had slandered the Patriots wide receiving core, claiming “they’re not Cincinnati. We saw the best a few weeks ago in Cincinnati.” Yes folks, that’s the same Cincinnati that’s won five games this season. Anthony Smith’s comments are the perfect microcosm of the Spygate conspiracy that has been fueling the Patriots’ juggernaut since the second week of September. Just as Smith’s comments triggered a Patriot blowout of the #1 ranked Defense in football, the Spygate-induced asterisk next to the Pats 3 championships, has served as a unique & ferocious motivational engine for a 13-0 blowout machine. As December matures, NFL records will be breaking like Clark Griswold’s Christmas tree ornaments, as he chases vermin through his living room. The more NFL analysts, players and coaches hurl verbal fireballs at the Patriots, the more coal goes into the locomotive engine that is the Patriots’ psyche and work ethic. Despite its obviousness through 14 weeks of the regular season, the Anthony Smiths of the football world continue to fail to respect this fact. So when a supposed NJ business man flies a banner through the Foxboro sky, crapping on the legitimacy of the Patriots’ dynasty, ask yourself one question: Is it really a wealthy Jets fan in the cockpit………or Belichick’s former camera-toting assistant Matt Estrella, winking down at the head coach, as they conspire to keep the motivational inferno burning inside the 53 players on their sideline for just 6 more games………
I thank you all again for reading the weekly blog. God bless you all, and have a wonderful holiday season.
In the wake of the blue-gummed Bambino, Alex Rodriguez, slithering back to the South Bronx to sign a consolation-prize contract of potentially $315 Million dollars, we’ve found ourselves in a whirlwind of smoke & mirrors that is commonly referred to as the MLB’s Winter Meetings. Despite the conclusion of the Winter Meetings last week, the Yankees-Red Sox-Twins rumor mill continues to sputter like Thornton Mellon’s sprinkler system on a hot July morning. Whether or not Johan Santana, Erik Bedard, Dan Haren and others will be dealt (and where) remains to be seen. But I think we can all conclude that, like every other off-season, the MLB “Hot Stove” reports would be more entertaining if we were able to watch Cpl. John Winger (Bill Murray) apply the “spatula treatment” to an attractive young M.P. (redheaded Sean Young) on top of that “Hot Stove”. At least there would be a definitive conclusion (in Winger’s case he and Harold Ramis get laid). My point here? The MLB off-season trade talks are the single most futile and monotonous story that the sport can provide, and it’s the same routine every year. Wake me when someone signs on the dotted line. Kudos to the Marlins and Tigers for sealing a mammoth deal, with less than 24 hours of obnoxious hype.
Monday morning, Falcons QB Mike Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison for the illegal dogfighting enterprise conducted at his Virginia home. As a dog-lover, I am not going to comment on the severity of the sentence. Virtually everyone in America has anger related to this story, its just a question of which individual angle on the story specifically chaps your ass. We saw several of the Falcons fans and players show support for Vick in the MNF game between Atlanta and New Orleans. I truly applaud both the fans and players for this, as Vick deserves a shot at serving his time and earning forgiveness/2nd chance etc. Coincidentally yesterday, Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino resigned to return to the NCAA ranks and coach the Arkansas Razorbacks. (For just a second, put aside the fact that the Petrino’s, Steve Spurrier’s and Nick Saban’s of the football world are pompous jackasses for playing musical chairs with their profession.) Later that afternoon, WR Roddy White angrily declared, “He’s (Petrino) abandoned us. We gave him and his family everything we had. The organization gave him all the money. Now he’s abandoned us.” This was the same Roddy White that not 24 hours earlier pulled his jersey up in the endzone to reveal a “Free Michael Vick” spraypainting on his undershirt. Did White make any remark about team captain Vick abandoning the Falcons with his criminally irresponsible lifestyle? Did White mention anything about the $130 million that the organization invested in his “homeboy”, that went down the toilet with the hammer of the Judge’s gavel? Of course not. I don’t think I need to spell out the irony here. It’s just typical in a professional sports world that seems to excuse millionaire athletes for not leaving their “ghetto” lifestyle behind them. It’s always everyone else’s fault……isn’t it, Roddy?
I will leave the Floyd Mayweather 10th Round KO over Ricky Hatton to Mr. Linneweber’s eagerly anticipated return next week, as boxing is his forte.
At approximately 3:30 Sunday afternoon, a prominent New Jersey business owner flew his private jet over Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA with a flag reading “Barry Bonds 756 HR*, Bill Belichick 3 Super Bowls*.” Just minutes later, the most potent offense in NFL history, performed a gridiron equivalent of open heart surgery on Steelers’ free safety Anthony Smith. On a day in which the Patriots ran 34 passing plays in-a-row, Smith bit on a play action fake to Laurence Maroney, allowing Randy Moss to slip 15+ yds behind the secondary, waltzing into the endzone for a touchdown. Two quarters later, Smith failed to hold his position and bit on a cross-field flea flicker from Brady/Moss/Brady to #5 target, Jabar Gaffney. Aside from publicly guaranteeing a Pittsburgh victory, Smith had slandered the Patriots wide receiving core, claiming “they’re not Cincinnati. We saw the best a few weeks ago in Cincinnati.” Yes folks, that’s the same Cincinnati that’s won five games this season. Anthony Smith’s comments are the perfect microcosm of the Spygate conspiracy that has been fueling the Patriots’ juggernaut since the second week of September. Just as Smith’s comments triggered a Patriot blowout of the #1 ranked Defense in football, the Spygate-induced asterisk next to the Pats 3 championships, has served as a unique & ferocious motivational engine for a 13-0 blowout machine. As December matures, NFL records will be breaking like Clark Griswold’s Christmas tree ornaments, as he chases vermin through his living room. The more NFL analysts, players and coaches hurl verbal fireballs at the Patriots, the more coal goes into the locomotive engine that is the Patriots’ psyche and work ethic. Despite its obviousness through 14 weeks of the regular season, the Anthony Smiths of the football world continue to fail to respect this fact. So when a supposed NJ business man flies a banner through the Foxboro sky, crapping on the legitimacy of the Patriots’ dynasty, ask yourself one question: Is it really a wealthy Jets fan in the cockpit………or Belichick’s former camera-toting assistant Matt Estrella, winking down at the head coach, as they conspire to keep the motivational inferno burning inside the 53 players on their sideline for just 6 more games………
I thank you all again for reading the weekly blog. God bless you all, and have a wonderful holiday season.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
In the Web
• As the snow falls in New England, it is apparent that winter is upon us a tad early this year. I hope I find everyone well and I welcome you to another edition of "In the Web."
• Whether my writing was applauded or vilified, I had always been thankful that an individual took the time to read my work. Unfortunately, I have been the recent recipient of merciless criticism (mainly by some lunatic who goes by the moniker "Lieutenant" Gene Mainen) and I am no longer going to take unwarranted rants lying "face down in the muck." The brunt of the flak that I have received is predicated off of the absurd and inaccurate notion that I don't grant New England sports teams, particularly the Patriots, even a glimmer of deserving praise for their string of dominance. Pasted below are just a few of the positive things that I've said about the Patriots and Boston as a whole within the past few weeks alone:
* In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."
* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."
* I am extremely cognizant of Manning's extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn't Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.
* The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one needs to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.
* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.
Psychotics like "Lieutenant Mainen," who I believe is actually Bradley Robert Sherwood of Beverly, Massachusetts and not a good man that I have come to know, read only what they want to read and they scoff at any material that's deemed contrary to their sentiments. Well, let me tell you, it's tough to report things without a negative slant when they involve blatant cheating (Belichick and "Spygate"), illegal performance enhancing drugs (Pats SS Rodney Harrison, 34) and unsportsmanlike behavior (the Pats and their affinity for needlessly embarrassing opponents). The Pats are having a tremendous season and when they are due credit, I will provide them with a world of it like I have in the past. When they are not due credit, I will open the gates of wrath.
• On that note, kudos to the Patriots (12-0) for their epic 27-24 victory in Baltimore Monday night against the Ravens (4-8). Although the Ravens are inept offensively, their defense still strikes the fear of a higher power into most teams around the league and it is a testament to New England that they were able to complete their comeback victory in front of a hostile crowd in “Body-more, Murda-land.” It is a win like Monday’s that lets you know that we are watching a special squad.
• The New York Giants highly-scrutinized quarterback, Eli Manning, 26, has about as much accuracy throwing a football as Dick Cheney and Bob Knight do shooting a rifle. Although it is entirely impractical because of the significant investment they made in Manning at the 2004 draft, the Giants should contemplate handing the reigns to their back-up signal-caller, Jared "the Pillsbury Throwboy" Lorenzen, 26. Lorenzen, a lefty who is generously listed at a tender 285Lbs, is without a doubt a portly specimen. Nevertheless, the former leader of the University of Kentucky can certainly throw that pigskin. The idea of switching to Lorenzen should at least be food for thought (pun Intended) for the "Big Blue's" hierarchy.
• The red-headed step-children of the NFL, the New York Jets (3-9) and the Flamingo's (0-12), dueled in South Beach Sunday afternoon with "Gang Green" prevailing 41-13. When the 2007 version of the Jets, who entered the game as a one-point underdog, sweeps a season series, the losing team is in a "world of fucking pain." Such pain, that I am confident that the Flamingo's have eclipsed the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs as the worst team in the annals of the NFL.
• The Minnesota Twins ace pitcher, Johan Santana, 28, is the most coveted commodity to hit the market since the Paris Hilton sex tape in the autumn of 2003. Santana, a lefty and two-time CY Young Award winner, can absolutely change the league's balance of power wherever he does ultimately land. Currently, the two bitterest rivals in baseball, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, are the clear-cut favorites to land the prized southpaw. Santana’s extraordinary skill level (93-44, 3.22 ERA since debuting in 2000) is undeniable. But, as a Yankee fan, I wonder if there isn’t a grander value on the market when everything is taken into account. Although not as overwhelming a force as Santana, the Oakland Athletics Dan Haren, 27, the Florida Marlins Dontrelle Willis, 25, the Baltimore Orioles Erik Bedard, 28, and the Tampa Bay Rays Scott Kazmir, 23, are all rumored to be available via a trade this winter. If it’s feasible for the Yankees to attain any one of those starters while still retaining their stud farmhand, Phil Hughes, 22, I think the Yankees may be better off without Santana.
• St. Louis Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa, 63, had his DUI arrest video released by the Jupiter (Fla.) police department last week and it can now be viewed on YouTube. In the video, La Russa recites the alphabet as “abcdefghijklmnizmnopqrstuvvztuvxyxz.” If his ABC’s are any indication, I would say the skipper tried to drink Nick Cage’s character in “Leaving Las Vegas” under the table. Predictably, he lost and now he’s an embarrassment to the entire “Show-Me State.”
• Upon being informed that the New York Knicks (5-11) had only one game on TNT this season, studio analyst Charles Barkley was quoted as saying, "Thank God." The "Round Mound of Rebound," who has historically been about as politically correct as “Archie Bunker,” could not have possibly been more poetic. The Knicks are a disgrace to their city and to the league as a whole and their leader since 2003, GM and Head Coach Isaiah Thomas, inexplicably has more immunity than Verbal Kint did in “the Usual Suspects.” Generally, I am not a “Doubting Thomas.” But, for the good of the game and the organization, Gotham needs a Thomas-less 2008.
• Pugilistic icon “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (38-0) will fight English folk hero Ricky “the Hitman” Hatton (44-0) Saturday night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. Mayweather, 30, is a far more talented boxer than Hatton, 29,“The Ring” magazine’s 2005 “Fighter of the Year.” Nevertheless, Hatton is skilled as well and if he is able to withstand Mayweather’s relentless flurries and penetrate his defense, he will have a punchers chance to pull off an upset. At the very least, the abrasive and insatiably cocky Mayweather may not be quite as “pretty” on Sunday morning.
• Legendary American motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died last week at the age of 69. Evel, who set a slew of “Guinness Book of World Records” during his career including most broken bones (40), had more moxie and pearls than any X-Gamer can ever fathom. Aspiring stuntmen of the future, look no further, Evel should be your inspiration.
• On a side note, I would like to congratulate my long-time friend and confidant, Wayne Joseph Ryder, 29, who performed his first civil marriage in a quaint Jersey Shore town this past Saturday evening. Ryder, a trucker, is a multi-dimensioned man and I am certain that he will evolve into a tremendous Justice of the Peace and make many couples happy all over the free-world.
• As Always, genuine “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.
• Whether my writing was applauded or vilified, I had always been thankful that an individual took the time to read my work. Unfortunately, I have been the recent recipient of merciless criticism (mainly by some lunatic who goes by the moniker "Lieutenant" Gene Mainen) and I am no longer going to take unwarranted rants lying "face down in the muck." The brunt of the flak that I have received is predicated off of the absurd and inaccurate notion that I don't grant New England sports teams, particularly the Patriots, even a glimmer of deserving praise for their string of dominance. Pasted below are just a few of the positive things that I've said about the Patriots and Boston as a whole within the past few weeks alone:
* In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."
* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."
* I am extremely cognizant of Manning's extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn't Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.
* The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one needs to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.
* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.
Psychotics like "Lieutenant Mainen," who I believe is actually Bradley Robert Sherwood of Beverly, Massachusetts and not a good man that I have come to know, read only what they want to read and they scoff at any material that's deemed contrary to their sentiments. Well, let me tell you, it's tough to report things without a negative slant when they involve blatant cheating (Belichick and "Spygate"), illegal performance enhancing drugs (Pats SS Rodney Harrison, 34) and unsportsmanlike behavior (the Pats and their affinity for needlessly embarrassing opponents). The Pats are having a tremendous season and when they are due credit, I will provide them with a world of it like I have in the past. When they are not due credit, I will open the gates of wrath.
• On that note, kudos to the Patriots (12-0) for their epic 27-24 victory in Baltimore Monday night against the Ravens (4-8). Although the Ravens are inept offensively, their defense still strikes the fear of a higher power into most teams around the league and it is a testament to New England that they were able to complete their comeback victory in front of a hostile crowd in “Body-more, Murda-land.” It is a win like Monday’s that lets you know that we are watching a special squad.
• The New York Giants highly-scrutinized quarterback, Eli Manning, 26, has about as much accuracy throwing a football as Dick Cheney and Bob Knight do shooting a rifle. Although it is entirely impractical because of the significant investment they made in Manning at the 2004 draft, the Giants should contemplate handing the reigns to their back-up signal-caller, Jared "the Pillsbury Throwboy" Lorenzen, 26. Lorenzen, a lefty who is generously listed at a tender 285Lbs, is without a doubt a portly specimen. Nevertheless, the former leader of the University of Kentucky can certainly throw that pigskin. The idea of switching to Lorenzen should at least be food for thought (pun Intended) for the "Big Blue's" hierarchy.
• The red-headed step-children of the NFL, the New York Jets (3-9) and the Flamingo's (0-12), dueled in South Beach Sunday afternoon with "Gang Green" prevailing 41-13. When the 2007 version of the Jets, who entered the game as a one-point underdog, sweeps a season series, the losing team is in a "world of fucking pain." Such pain, that I am confident that the Flamingo's have eclipsed the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs as the worst team in the annals of the NFL.
• The Minnesota Twins ace pitcher, Johan Santana, 28, is the most coveted commodity to hit the market since the Paris Hilton sex tape in the autumn of 2003. Santana, a lefty and two-time CY Young Award winner, can absolutely change the league's balance of power wherever he does ultimately land. Currently, the two bitterest rivals in baseball, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, are the clear-cut favorites to land the prized southpaw. Santana’s extraordinary skill level (93-44, 3.22 ERA since debuting in 2000) is undeniable. But, as a Yankee fan, I wonder if there isn’t a grander value on the market when everything is taken into account. Although not as overwhelming a force as Santana, the Oakland Athletics Dan Haren, 27, the Florida Marlins Dontrelle Willis, 25, the Baltimore Orioles Erik Bedard, 28, and the Tampa Bay Rays Scott Kazmir, 23, are all rumored to be available via a trade this winter. If it’s feasible for the Yankees to attain any one of those starters while still retaining their stud farmhand, Phil Hughes, 22, I think the Yankees may be better off without Santana.
• St. Louis Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa, 63, had his DUI arrest video released by the Jupiter (Fla.) police department last week and it can now be viewed on YouTube. In the video, La Russa recites the alphabet as “abcdefghijklmnizmnopqrstuvvztuvxyxz.” If his ABC’s are any indication, I would say the skipper tried to drink Nick Cage’s character in “Leaving Las Vegas” under the table. Predictably, he lost and now he’s an embarrassment to the entire “Show-Me State.”
• Upon being informed that the New York Knicks (5-11) had only one game on TNT this season, studio analyst Charles Barkley was quoted as saying, "Thank God." The "Round Mound of Rebound," who has historically been about as politically correct as “Archie Bunker,” could not have possibly been more poetic. The Knicks are a disgrace to their city and to the league as a whole and their leader since 2003, GM and Head Coach Isaiah Thomas, inexplicably has more immunity than Verbal Kint did in “the Usual Suspects.” Generally, I am not a “Doubting Thomas.” But, for the good of the game and the organization, Gotham needs a Thomas-less 2008.
• Pugilistic icon “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (38-0) will fight English folk hero Ricky “the Hitman” Hatton (44-0) Saturday night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. Mayweather, 30, is a far more talented boxer than Hatton, 29,“The Ring” magazine’s 2005 “Fighter of the Year.” Nevertheless, Hatton is skilled as well and if he is able to withstand Mayweather’s relentless flurries and penetrate his defense, he will have a punchers chance to pull off an upset. At the very least, the abrasive and insatiably cocky Mayweather may not be quite as “pretty” on Sunday morning.
• Legendary American motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died last week at the age of 69. Evel, who set a slew of “Guinness Book of World Records” during his career including most broken bones (40), had more moxie and pearls than any X-Gamer can ever fathom. Aspiring stuntmen of the future, look no further, Evel should be your inspiration.
• On a side note, I would like to congratulate my long-time friend and confidant, Wayne Joseph Ryder, 29, who performed his first civil marriage in a quaint Jersey Shore town this past Saturday evening. Ryder, a trucker, is a multi-dimensioned man and I am certain that he will evolve into a tremendous Justice of the Peace and make many couples happy all over the free-world.
• As Always, genuine “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
In the Web
• I hope I find everyone in great holiday sprits and I thank you for reading my rapid take on the week that was in sports. Welcome to another edition of "In the Web."
• The Green Bay Packers (10-1) and their iconic signal-caller, Brett Favre, seem destined for glory and triumph after registering their best start to a season since 1962. Favre, a 3-time N.F.L. MVP, is having the greatest year of his storybook career and his final words may ultimately be, "I'm going to Disney World!" If Carmen Diaz's former movie flame is able to punctuate his legacy with another ring, it will go down as one of the most spectacular and unlikely sports moments ever. On a personal note, it would be my favorite athletic memory since "Rowdy" Roddy Piper smashed a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's cranium in the middle of a segment of "Piper's Pit" in 1985.
• In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."
• Despite eventually losing 31-28, the Philadelphia Eagles (5-6) proved Sunday night that it is not "impossible" to beat the Patriots (11-0). Philly displayed a warrior mentality reminiscent of their hometown pride, Rocky Balboa, and their toe-to-toe performance against a Clubber Lang-like Pats squad should be a realization to the rest of the league that the signal-stealers are susceptible to defeat. As "the Italian Stallion" said to the offensive juggernaut that was Lang in Rocky III, "You ain't so bad. You ain't so bad. You ain't nothin.' C'Mon, champ, hit me in the face! My Mom hits harder than you." Before we deem the Pats the baddest thing to hit the pigskin landscape since leather-helmets, let's let them win it first.
• The University of Alabama's smarmy football coach, Nick Saban, is the most unlikeable leader of a team on the collegiate gridiron since John Goodman's character in the original "Revenge of the Nerds" movie. To emphasize this fact, a delusional Saban last week correlated a Crimson Tide loss to the events of 9-11 and Pearl Harbor.
"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."
I won't even dignify the content of Saban’s remarks with a thorough backlash. I will simply say that his wording and articulation will never be referred to as Churchill-ian.
• Speaking of abrasive and villainous coaches, it truly makes sense that New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick holds Saban in such high regard. Those two are meant for each other. One has to presume purgatory would be akin to driving cross-country with the two beautiful and engaging personalities.
• Kudos to Kurt Warner, 36, for reinvigorating his career with the Arizona Cardinals. Warner, a borderline Hall of Famer and 2-time N.F.L. MVP, is Nedward "Ned" Flanders but with more testicular fortitude and a better arm. The N.F.L. needs more men like Warner.
• The decrepit New York Jets (1-10) will be remembered notoriously for three things when this year goes into the archives. The first thing that will be evoked will be their fans sub-human reaction when they cheered an injury to the class act that is Chad Pennington during an opening day 38-14 loss to the Patriots. The second fond memory will be of when Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini blew the whistle on his mentor's nefarious tactics and placed a question on the Patriots reign and Belichick's genius. Ultimately, and best of all, the 2007 version of "Gang Green" will be immortalized for Gate D and East Rutherford's answer to Bourbon Street. This is one of the ugliest seasons in the history of a homely franchise.
• The Goldie Hawn-charged Wildcats could inevitably overpower this year’s best college football team.
• Ricardo Mayorga (29-6-1), 34, was awarded a majority decision over Fernando Vargas (26-4), 29, last Saturday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. It seems like bad guys do often finish first.
• Redskins star cornerback Sean Taylor was shot in the leg in his home during an apparent botched burglary Sunday night and he succumbed to his wound the following morning at the Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami. It is yet to be seen how the media will portray the troubled Taylor. But, good man or bad, it is a terrible tragedy when a talented person dies at the young age of 24.
• My most sincere “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.
• The Green Bay Packers (10-1) and their iconic signal-caller, Brett Favre, seem destined for glory and triumph after registering their best start to a season since 1962. Favre, a 3-time N.F.L. MVP, is having the greatest year of his storybook career and his final words may ultimately be, "I'm going to Disney World!" If Carmen Diaz's former movie flame is able to punctuate his legacy with another ring, it will go down as one of the most spectacular and unlikely sports moments ever. On a personal note, it would be my favorite athletic memory since "Rowdy" Roddy Piper smashed a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's cranium in the middle of a segment of "Piper's Pit" in 1985.
• In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."
• Despite eventually losing 31-28, the Philadelphia Eagles (5-6) proved Sunday night that it is not "impossible" to beat the Patriots (11-0). Philly displayed a warrior mentality reminiscent of their hometown pride, Rocky Balboa, and their toe-to-toe performance against a Clubber Lang-like Pats squad should be a realization to the rest of the league that the signal-stealers are susceptible to defeat. As "the Italian Stallion" said to the offensive juggernaut that was Lang in Rocky III, "You ain't so bad. You ain't so bad. You ain't nothin.' C'Mon, champ, hit me in the face! My Mom hits harder than you." Before we deem the Pats the baddest thing to hit the pigskin landscape since leather-helmets, let's let them win it first.
• The University of Alabama's smarmy football coach, Nick Saban, is the most unlikeable leader of a team on the collegiate gridiron since John Goodman's character in the original "Revenge of the Nerds" movie. To emphasize this fact, a delusional Saban last week correlated a Crimson Tide loss to the events of 9-11 and Pearl Harbor.
"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."
I won't even dignify the content of Saban’s remarks with a thorough backlash. I will simply say that his wording and articulation will never be referred to as Churchill-ian.
• Speaking of abrasive and villainous coaches, it truly makes sense that New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick holds Saban in such high regard. Those two are meant for each other. One has to presume purgatory would be akin to driving cross-country with the two beautiful and engaging personalities.
• Kudos to Kurt Warner, 36, for reinvigorating his career with the Arizona Cardinals. Warner, a borderline Hall of Famer and 2-time N.F.L. MVP, is Nedward "Ned" Flanders but with more testicular fortitude and a better arm. The N.F.L. needs more men like Warner.
• The decrepit New York Jets (1-10) will be remembered notoriously for three things when this year goes into the archives. The first thing that will be evoked will be their fans sub-human reaction when they cheered an injury to the class act that is Chad Pennington during an opening day 38-14 loss to the Patriots. The second fond memory will be of when Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini blew the whistle on his mentor's nefarious tactics and placed a question on the Patriots reign and Belichick's genius. Ultimately, and best of all, the 2007 version of "Gang Green" will be immortalized for Gate D and East Rutherford's answer to Bourbon Street. This is one of the ugliest seasons in the history of a homely franchise.
• The Goldie Hawn-charged Wildcats could inevitably overpower this year’s best college football team.
• Ricardo Mayorga (29-6-1), 34, was awarded a majority decision over Fernando Vargas (26-4), 29, last Saturday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. It seems like bad guys do often finish first.
• Redskins star cornerback Sean Taylor was shot in the leg in his home during an apparent botched burglary Sunday night and he succumbed to his wound the following morning at the Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami. It is yet to be seen how the media will portray the troubled Taylor. But, good man or bad, it is a terrible tragedy when a talented person dies at the young age of 24.
• My most sincere “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
In the Web
· I send “thanks” to you all for taking the time to read my rapid take on the week that was in sports.
· Former San Francisco Giants icon and baseball’s home run king Barry Lamar Bonds, 43, was indicted Thursday by a federal grand jury on 4 counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice for denying utilizing performance enhancing drugs. The indictment places another enormous asterisk next to Bonds tarnished records and it further darkens baseball’s “Steroid Era” (1994-present).
Since debuting with the Pittsburgh Pirates as a stick with jheri curls in 1986, Bonds has transformed his body into a mountain of mass and muscle. San Francisco Chronicle reporters and authors of “Game of Shadows,” Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, documented the massive growth in Bonds' jersey size (42 to 52), cleat size (10 1/2 to 13) and cap size (7 1/8 to 7 1/4) — even though he now shaves his head and no longer looks like a walking “Soul Glo” infomercial. Bonds can continue to deny these lurid allegations until he is blue in the face. He cheated and then he lied to investigators about his cheating.
Nevertheless, he was the best player in baseball long before he began using ‘roids after the 1998 season and he may have been the greatest performer ever while he was juiced-up. It is imperative to realize that the entire sport of baseball was infested with steroids during this timeframe and it is simply unfair to demonize only the most famous and successful scofflaw of them all. It would be prudent and mature for fans to delay their reaction to Bonds and his indictment until after Senator George Mitchell releases the findings of his steroid investigation sometime in the coming weeks. Once that happens, judging Bonds against his peers will be fair and on a more level playing field (pun intended).
· * *
· This was a devastating week for any legitimate and knowledgeable fan of the New York Yankees. After seemingly emancipating themselves from the cancer known as Alex Rodriguez, 32, the Bomber’s brass has had a moronic change of heart and the two sides are finalizing a contract agreement worth a reported $275 million over 10-years. In essence, this deal ensures that there won’t be a Yankee championship parade in Gotham until at least 2017.
· I have supported the New York Yankees since I was a child and I never believed that I would waiver my allegiance to the men in pinstripes. But, in lieu of this disgraceful pact with A-Gump, I need to reevaluate my standing. Am I capable of cheering for this parasite until I am 37 years of age? I sincerely don’t know the answer to that question. I have always beloved the Giants and it may be time for all of my passion to reside in the Bay Area. I can’t with any justification support this sexual instrument. But, on the other end of the spectrum, should I allow this championship-zero to alter my thinking and way of life? I am just in a very confused state and I am seeking answers.
· Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson was reprimanded by the N.B.A. after making a homosexual reference in jest following his teams 107-92 loss to the San Antonio Spurs on Tuesday night. In the aftermath of San Antonio’s 13 3-pointers, Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.
“We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there is so much penetration and kickouts,” said Jackson, the king of arrogance. “It was just one of those games.”
In my column last week, I made a similarly snark remark and I genuinely want to recant my words and separate myself from the former third man off the New York Knicks bench. Last week, I wrote:
The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.
If I offended anyone, I apologize and I assure you that I will veer away from such attempted humor in the future.
· Stephon (“Starbury”—Ha!) Marbury, 30, went AWOL this week after being informed by his incompetent boss, New York Knicks Head Coach Isiah Thomas, that he was going to be replaced in the starting lineup by backup point guard Mardy Collins, 23. Speaking to reporters regarding his demotion, Marbury said, “Isiah has to start me. I’ve got so much stuff on Isiah and he knows it.” These two worthless bums, “Starbury” and “Zeke,” deserve each other. In large part because of these two malcontents, Gotham shouldn't expect a basketball championship parade anytime soon either.
· After watching the revived Boston Celtics (8-0) throttle the Lawrence Frank-led New Jersey Nets (4-5) last week, I mentally devised a potentially fascinating “Mexican Street Fight.” Who emerges victorious in a battle pitting Frank, 37, versus Knicks legend Jeff Van Gundy, 45? Physically, it would be fair combat. But, Van Gundy’s scrappy and fearless style would be the gateway to glory. Case closed.
· I am participating in a fantasy football league this season for the first time in my life. To be honest, I like it and it absolutely adds intrigue to every Sunday’s action on the gridiron. But, the league does have drawbacks. I currently have Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, 33, on my roster. Owens has been, like usual, remarkably productive this year and he’s a cornerstone on my squad. But, I am rooting for T.O. and that’s the drawback of drawbacks.
· If the New England Patriot’s (9-0) do make it to Arizona to compete in Superbowl XLII, it will be 44.5 states (southern Connecticut) versus 5.5 states (northern Connecticut and the 5 other New England States). How can more than 88% of our country be wrong? The Patriot’s are a villainous and nefarious crew.
· I may be blinded by optimism, but I still believe that Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weiss and New York Jets Coach Eric Mangini are the right people for their respective tasks at hand.
· Great thanks to you all for taking the time to review my weekly rant. I wish you all a safe and memorable Thanksgiving holiday!
· Former San Francisco Giants icon and baseball’s home run king Barry Lamar Bonds, 43, was indicted Thursday by a federal grand jury on 4 counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice for denying utilizing performance enhancing drugs. The indictment places another enormous asterisk next to Bonds tarnished records and it further darkens baseball’s “Steroid Era” (1994-present).
Since debuting with the Pittsburgh Pirates as a stick with jheri curls in 1986, Bonds has transformed his body into a mountain of mass and muscle. San Francisco Chronicle reporters and authors of “Game of Shadows,” Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, documented the massive growth in Bonds' jersey size (42 to 52), cleat size (10 1/2 to 13) and cap size (7 1/8 to 7 1/4) — even though he now shaves his head and no longer looks like a walking “Soul Glo” infomercial. Bonds can continue to deny these lurid allegations until he is blue in the face. He cheated and then he lied to investigators about his cheating.
Nevertheless, he was the best player in baseball long before he began using ‘roids after the 1998 season and he may have been the greatest performer ever while he was juiced-up. It is imperative to realize that the entire sport of baseball was infested with steroids during this timeframe and it is simply unfair to demonize only the most famous and successful scofflaw of them all. It would be prudent and mature for fans to delay their reaction to Bonds and his indictment until after Senator George Mitchell releases the findings of his steroid investigation sometime in the coming weeks. Once that happens, judging Bonds against his peers will be fair and on a more level playing field (pun intended).
· * *
· This was a devastating week for any legitimate and knowledgeable fan of the New York Yankees. After seemingly emancipating themselves from the cancer known as Alex Rodriguez, 32, the Bomber’s brass has had a moronic change of heart and the two sides are finalizing a contract agreement worth a reported $275 million over 10-years. In essence, this deal ensures that there won’t be a Yankee championship parade in Gotham until at least 2017.
· I have supported the New York Yankees since I was a child and I never believed that I would waiver my allegiance to the men in pinstripes. But, in lieu of this disgraceful pact with A-Gump, I need to reevaluate my standing. Am I capable of cheering for this parasite until I am 37 years of age? I sincerely don’t know the answer to that question. I have always beloved the Giants and it may be time for all of my passion to reside in the Bay Area. I can’t with any justification support this sexual instrument. But, on the other end of the spectrum, should I allow this championship-zero to alter my thinking and way of life? I am just in a very confused state and I am seeking answers.
· Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson was reprimanded by the N.B.A. after making a homosexual reference in jest following his teams 107-92 loss to the San Antonio Spurs on Tuesday night. In the aftermath of San Antonio’s 13 3-pointers, Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.
“We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there is so much penetration and kickouts,” said Jackson, the king of arrogance. “It was just one of those games.”
In my column last week, I made a similarly snark remark and I genuinely want to recant my words and separate myself from the former third man off the New York Knicks bench. Last week, I wrote:
The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.
If I offended anyone, I apologize and I assure you that I will veer away from such attempted humor in the future.
· Stephon (“Starbury”—Ha!) Marbury, 30, went AWOL this week after being informed by his incompetent boss, New York Knicks Head Coach Isiah Thomas, that he was going to be replaced in the starting lineup by backup point guard Mardy Collins, 23. Speaking to reporters regarding his demotion, Marbury said, “Isiah has to start me. I’ve got so much stuff on Isiah and he knows it.” These two worthless bums, “Starbury” and “Zeke,” deserve each other. In large part because of these two malcontents, Gotham shouldn't expect a basketball championship parade anytime soon either.
· After watching the revived Boston Celtics (8-0) throttle the Lawrence Frank-led New Jersey Nets (4-5) last week, I mentally devised a potentially fascinating “Mexican Street Fight.” Who emerges victorious in a battle pitting Frank, 37, versus Knicks legend Jeff Van Gundy, 45? Physically, it would be fair combat. But, Van Gundy’s scrappy and fearless style would be the gateway to glory. Case closed.
· I am participating in a fantasy football league this season for the first time in my life. To be honest, I like it and it absolutely adds intrigue to every Sunday’s action on the gridiron. But, the league does have drawbacks. I currently have Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, 33, on my roster. Owens has been, like usual, remarkably productive this year and he’s a cornerstone on my squad. But, I am rooting for T.O. and that’s the drawback of drawbacks.
· If the New England Patriot’s (9-0) do make it to Arizona to compete in Superbowl XLII, it will be 44.5 states (southern Connecticut) versus 5.5 states (northern Connecticut and the 5 other New England States). How can more than 88% of our country be wrong? The Patriot’s are a villainous and nefarious crew.
· I may be blinded by optimism, but I still believe that Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weiss and New York Jets Coach Eric Mangini are the right people for their respective tasks at hand.
· Great thanks to you all for taking the time to review my weekly rant. I wish you all a safe and memorable Thanksgiving holiday!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
In the Web
* I appreciate you taking the time to read another edition of "In the Web." I hope I entertain you with my rapid review of the week that was in sports.
* The Notre Dame Fighting Irish (1-8) lost to Navy (5-4) last Saturday in 3OT to snap their NCAA-record winning streak over one opponent at 43 games. The loss, already Notre Dame's 5th at home this year, is a new nadir for the Irish and their highly-scrutinized Head Coach Charlie Weiss. Despite Notre Dame's mid-air-collision of a season, Weiss allegedly sees better days ahead for the Irish in the very near future.
According to WFAN's Mike Francesa, he joined Weiss and the third leg of their trio of girth, coaching icon Bill Parcells, at Monmouth Park Racetrack in New Jersey on the 27th of October to support the ponies running at the Breeder's Cup. In between platters of food and races, Francesa claims that Weiss acknowledged to him that this season is far direr than he could have ever envisioned. Weiss stated that he knew this season would be horrible and he said so to associates of his in confidence. But, he never could have fathomed this horrific level of futility at the Golden Dome. Weiss went on to predict that his squad would be quite competitive next year and then he boldly capped off his clairvoyance by predicting that the Irish would win the national championship in 2009.
As a fan of the Irish who was not old enough to enjoy their last national championship in 1988, I can assure you that I will store that comment away and check its validity towards the end of Rudolph Giuliani's first term in the Oval Office. I hope the fat boy's onto something.
* In fairness, Weiss indeed is a great offensive mind and I still do have faith that he is the correct person to return the Irish to national prominence. Nevertheless, I am in no capacity sold on his prized freshman recruit, quarterback Jimmy Clausen, 20. It is entirely unfair for anyone to judge Clausen based on this season. The "Lebron James of high school quarterbacks" has been provided with absolutely zero protection upfront and he has a dearth of explosive players to throw to on offense. Still, I haven't detected even a hint of toughness or zest when I've seen him behind the gun to date. In reality, Clausen, who went 43-0 in his prep career playing for Oaks Christian High School in Westlake Village, California, seems better suited to star in a remake of the 80's flick "Mannequin." I can see him cruising down Santa Monica Boulevard in a pink Cadillac with the character "Hollywood" in shotgun before I can see him leading the Irish to another pot of gold.
* On October the 28th, I wrote "Granted, I'm biased because 'I hate the fucking Eagles, man.' But, eventually, Boston College will fold like a cheap suit." Last Saturday night in a quasi-monsoon, the Eagles (8-1, 4-1) folded like a "cheap suit" in an excruciating 27-17 loss to the Florida State Seminoles (6-3, 3-3). I hope Eagles fans enjoyed their run of prosperity because I can easily forecast at least 2 more losses before the season ends in early-January. Boston College is an average football team that will finish with an average record when it's all said and done.
* With that said, in a year marred with mediocrity on the collegiate gridiron, almost every team is average.
* It has been reported in a number of news outlets that the New York Yankees are seriously contemplating proposing a trade offer to the Baltimore Orioles for their resident juice-head, Miguel Tejada, 31. The Yankees imagine Tejada as a less expensive and less abrasive answer to Alex Rodriguez at third base. Granted, anybody's a likeable upgrade in comparison to A-Rod. But, Miguel Tejada and his fleet of unwanted baggage? If the Bomber's truly want to replace the purple-lipped pariah at the hot corner, they need to continue descending south and they need to make a genuine offer to the Florida Marlins for Miguel Cabrera, 24. Despite concerns about his propensity to gain weight, Cabrera's worth the risk and the prospects that would be needed to land him.
* As long as those prospects don't include rookie sensation Joba Chamberlain, 22.
* The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.
* The team known formerly as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays has shed the "Devil" and is now known simply as the Rays. With this monumental announcement, one must wonder if St. Petersburg officials have begun to already map out the Rays championship parade route for next October.
* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."
* Come to think of it, the loveable Belichick is somewhat reminiscent of the Cobra Kai's sensei, John Kreese. How can one say with certainty that Belichick has never inspired his villainous crew by uttering the words, "Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that?"
* The Boston Celtics (4-0) are in the midst of a renaissance following an offseason that saw them acquire superstars Kevin Garnett, 31, and Ray Allen, 32. I have seen more people wearing Celtics merchandise in Boston in the past 2 weeks than I did during my previous 8-years in the city combined. Coincidence? Nah, just more front-runners.
* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.
* Great thanks to you all for your time. I look forward to another round sometime next week.
* The Notre Dame Fighting Irish (1-8) lost to Navy (5-4) last Saturday in 3OT to snap their NCAA-record winning streak over one opponent at 43 games. The loss, already Notre Dame's 5th at home this year, is a new nadir for the Irish and their highly-scrutinized Head Coach Charlie Weiss. Despite Notre Dame's mid-air-collision of a season, Weiss allegedly sees better days ahead for the Irish in the very near future.
According to WFAN's Mike Francesa, he joined Weiss and the third leg of their trio of girth, coaching icon Bill Parcells, at Monmouth Park Racetrack in New Jersey on the 27th of October to support the ponies running at the Breeder's Cup. In between platters of food and races, Francesa claims that Weiss acknowledged to him that this season is far direr than he could have ever envisioned. Weiss stated that he knew this season would be horrible and he said so to associates of his in confidence. But, he never could have fathomed this horrific level of futility at the Golden Dome. Weiss went on to predict that his squad would be quite competitive next year and then he boldly capped off his clairvoyance by predicting that the Irish would win the national championship in 2009.
As a fan of the Irish who was not old enough to enjoy their last national championship in 1988, I can assure you that I will store that comment away and check its validity towards the end of Rudolph Giuliani's first term in the Oval Office. I hope the fat boy's onto something.
* In fairness, Weiss indeed is a great offensive mind and I still do have faith that he is the correct person to return the Irish to national prominence. Nevertheless, I am in no capacity sold on his prized freshman recruit, quarterback Jimmy Clausen, 20. It is entirely unfair for anyone to judge Clausen based on this season. The "Lebron James of high school quarterbacks" has been provided with absolutely zero protection upfront and he has a dearth of explosive players to throw to on offense. Still, I haven't detected even a hint of toughness or zest when I've seen him behind the gun to date. In reality, Clausen, who went 43-0 in his prep career playing for Oaks Christian High School in Westlake Village, California, seems better suited to star in a remake of the 80's flick "Mannequin." I can see him cruising down Santa Monica Boulevard in a pink Cadillac with the character "Hollywood" in shotgun before I can see him leading the Irish to another pot of gold.
* On October the 28th, I wrote "Granted, I'm biased because 'I hate the fucking Eagles, man.' But, eventually, Boston College will fold like a cheap suit." Last Saturday night in a quasi-monsoon, the Eagles (8-1, 4-1) folded like a "cheap suit" in an excruciating 27-17 loss to the Florida State Seminoles (6-3, 3-3). I hope Eagles fans enjoyed their run of prosperity because I can easily forecast at least 2 more losses before the season ends in early-January. Boston College is an average football team that will finish with an average record when it's all said and done.
* With that said, in a year marred with mediocrity on the collegiate gridiron, almost every team is average.
* It has been reported in a number of news outlets that the New York Yankees are seriously contemplating proposing a trade offer to the Baltimore Orioles for their resident juice-head, Miguel Tejada, 31. The Yankees imagine Tejada as a less expensive and less abrasive answer to Alex Rodriguez at third base. Granted, anybody's a likeable upgrade in comparison to A-Rod. But, Miguel Tejada and his fleet of unwanted baggage? If the Bomber's truly want to replace the purple-lipped pariah at the hot corner, they need to continue descending south and they need to make a genuine offer to the Florida Marlins for Miguel Cabrera, 24. Despite concerns about his propensity to gain weight, Cabrera's worth the risk and the prospects that would be needed to land him.
* As long as those prospects don't include rookie sensation Joba Chamberlain, 22.
* The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.
* The team known formerly as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays has shed the "Devil" and is now known simply as the Rays. With this monumental announcement, one must wonder if St. Petersburg officials have begun to already map out the Rays championship parade route for next October.
* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."
* Come to think of it, the loveable Belichick is somewhat reminiscent of the Cobra Kai's sensei, John Kreese. How can one say with certainty that Belichick has never inspired his villainous crew by uttering the words, "Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that?"
* The Boston Celtics (4-0) are in the midst of a renaissance following an offseason that saw them acquire superstars Kevin Garnett, 31, and Ray Allen, 32. I have seen more people wearing Celtics merchandise in Boston in the past 2 weeks than I did during my previous 8-years in the city combined. Coincidence? Nah, just more front-runners.
* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.
* Great thanks to you all for your time. I look forward to another round sometime next week.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
In the Web
• I thank you for reading another edition of “In the Web.” I hope I amuse and entertain you with my rapid take on the week that was in sports.
• It’s valid to question whether the New York Jets (1-7) were overachievers en route to a surprising record of 10-6 last season or if they are simply miserable underachievers this year. In actuality, this answer likely lies somewhere in between both of the aforementioned scenarios. The real query is if Eric Mangini is still a certified genius. “The Mangenius,” who finished second to New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton in the 2006 NFL Coach of the Year voting, has seen his media-created IQ plummet to Charlie Gordon-like levels. Can anyone say with a straight face at this point that Mangini could defeat Algernon in an intelligence experiment? As a loyal follower of “Gang Green,” I can’t.
• Both the New England Patriots (8-0) and the Indianapolis Colts (7-0) are everything that the Jets strive to one day become. If by circumstance, these two squads don’t reunite again later this season in the playoffs, I’ll be flabbergasted. But, as the NFL adage goes, any team can beat any other on “any given Sunday.” So, enjoy this game between two elite teams who feature all-time quarterbacks for the ages in the Pats Tom Brady and the Colts Peyton Manning, 31. We may not see a regular season matchup of this magnitude again in quite some time.
• I am extremely cognizant of Manning’s extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn’t Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.
• A report surfaced late-Friday afternoon that Alex Rodriguez and his despicable agent, Scott Boras, anticipated a contract extension offer worth a guaranteed $350 million simply to arrange a face-to-face negotiation with Yankee suits. My disdain for A-Rod is profound and I already sense a feeling of liberation when I realize I won’t be subjected to seeing the purple-lipped pariah on the hot corner next season for the Bombers. As stated ad nausea in this column, I don’t like coincidences. Can it possibly be a coincidence that both teams that Rodriguez left (the Seattle Mariners and the Texas Rangers) dramatically improved the year after they gained their freedom from him? I think not, my friends. A-Rod wouldn’t know wining if it came complimentary with one of his hair products and he never had any business playing for the most winning franchise in the annals of North American pro sports to begin with.
• By the way, for those keeping record at home, the Red Sox mediocre pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka, has recorded more postseason RBI’s (2) than A-Rod has since game four of the 2004 ALCS. Rodriguez has one RBI since that timeframe.
• Rodriguez’s classy wife, Cynthia, wore a tee-shirt to the Stadium last July that said “F*ck you” on the back of it. In essence, those are my last words to the complacent parasite that used to wear #13 for the New York Yankees.
• Without warrant, Rudolph Giuliani, who helped revive New York City and who received universal laud for his leadership as the city’s mayor in the aftermath of 9-11, has always fancied himself as some kind of ultimate Yankee aficionado. Then, just two weeks ago, he publicly declared that he would root for the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in favor of the Colorado Rockies. I have no patience for people who are not sincere with their stated allegiance and, after hearing that, I pronounce Rudy to be about as loyal as a rattlesnake. I had seriously considered voting for Giuliani during the election of 2008. But, how can I do so now? I mean, I’d rather be aligned in a foxhole with Benedict Arnold.
• When asked earlier this week for his opinion of the New York Knicks and their on and off court woes that were punctuated by losing a sexual harassment case last month, NBA Commissioner David Stern said, “It demonstrates that they’re not a model of intelligent management.” Isn’t that kind of like saying that Nate Newton used to dabble in marijuana?
• Tennis great Martina Hingis, 27, abruptly retired from her sport after testing positive for cocaine after the 2007 Wimbledon Championships. Hingis, who denied using the drug and considered the media’s handling of her story disgraceful, went out on her own terms. Despite the circumstance, that’s more than many athletes can say.
• On a serious topic, the media needs to leave Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid and his two deeply troubled sons, Britt, 22, and Garrett, 24, alone. Britt and Garrett both have serious problems and the unconscionable media is feeding off their demise like vultures. Shame on them for covering this personal matter and shame on anyone who seeks updates on this non-sports-story.
• Two weeks after being unceremoniously spurned by the New York Yankees, Joe Torre, 67, inked a 3-year contract to manage the Los Angeles Dodgers for a reported $13 million. Torre is a tremendous man and he is one who I would align myself in a foxhole with.
• Sincere thanks! I hope I entertained.
• It’s valid to question whether the New York Jets (1-7) were overachievers en route to a surprising record of 10-6 last season or if they are simply miserable underachievers this year. In actuality, this answer likely lies somewhere in between both of the aforementioned scenarios. The real query is if Eric Mangini is still a certified genius. “The Mangenius,” who finished second to New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton in the 2006 NFL Coach of the Year voting, has seen his media-created IQ plummet to Charlie Gordon-like levels. Can anyone say with a straight face at this point that Mangini could defeat Algernon in an intelligence experiment? As a loyal follower of “Gang Green,” I can’t.
• Both the New England Patriots (8-0) and the Indianapolis Colts (7-0) are everything that the Jets strive to one day become. If by circumstance, these two squads don’t reunite again later this season in the playoffs, I’ll be flabbergasted. But, as the NFL adage goes, any team can beat any other on “any given Sunday.” So, enjoy this game between two elite teams who feature all-time quarterbacks for the ages in the Pats Tom Brady and the Colts Peyton Manning, 31. We may not see a regular season matchup of this magnitude again in quite some time.
• I am extremely cognizant of Manning’s extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn’t Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.
• A report surfaced late-Friday afternoon that Alex Rodriguez and his despicable agent, Scott Boras, anticipated a contract extension offer worth a guaranteed $350 million simply to arrange a face-to-face negotiation with Yankee suits. My disdain for A-Rod is profound and I already sense a feeling of liberation when I realize I won’t be subjected to seeing the purple-lipped pariah on the hot corner next season for the Bombers. As stated ad nausea in this column, I don’t like coincidences. Can it possibly be a coincidence that both teams that Rodriguez left (the Seattle Mariners and the Texas Rangers) dramatically improved the year after they gained their freedom from him? I think not, my friends. A-Rod wouldn’t know wining if it came complimentary with one of his hair products and he never had any business playing for the most winning franchise in the annals of North American pro sports to begin with.
• By the way, for those keeping record at home, the Red Sox mediocre pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka, has recorded more postseason RBI’s (2) than A-Rod has since game four of the 2004 ALCS. Rodriguez has one RBI since that timeframe.
• Rodriguez’s classy wife, Cynthia, wore a tee-shirt to the Stadium last July that said “F*ck you” on the back of it. In essence, those are my last words to the complacent parasite that used to wear #13 for the New York Yankees.
• Without warrant, Rudolph Giuliani, who helped revive New York City and who received universal laud for his leadership as the city’s mayor in the aftermath of 9-11, has always fancied himself as some kind of ultimate Yankee aficionado. Then, just two weeks ago, he publicly declared that he would root for the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in favor of the Colorado Rockies. I have no patience for people who are not sincere with their stated allegiance and, after hearing that, I pronounce Rudy to be about as loyal as a rattlesnake. I had seriously considered voting for Giuliani during the election of 2008. But, how can I do so now? I mean, I’d rather be aligned in a foxhole with Benedict Arnold.
• When asked earlier this week for his opinion of the New York Knicks and their on and off court woes that were punctuated by losing a sexual harassment case last month, NBA Commissioner David Stern said, “It demonstrates that they’re not a model of intelligent management.” Isn’t that kind of like saying that Nate Newton used to dabble in marijuana?
• Tennis great Martina Hingis, 27, abruptly retired from her sport after testing positive for cocaine after the 2007 Wimbledon Championships. Hingis, who denied using the drug and considered the media’s handling of her story disgraceful, went out on her own terms. Despite the circumstance, that’s more than many athletes can say.
• On a serious topic, the media needs to leave Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid and his two deeply troubled sons, Britt, 22, and Garrett, 24, alone. Britt and Garrett both have serious problems and the unconscionable media is feeding off their demise like vultures. Shame on them for covering this personal matter and shame on anyone who seeks updates on this non-sports-story.
• Two weeks after being unceremoniously spurned by the New York Yankees, Joe Torre, 67, inked a 3-year contract to manage the Los Angeles Dodgers for a reported $13 million. Torre is a tremendous man and he is one who I would align myself in a foxhole with.
• Sincere thanks! I hope I entertained.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
In the Web
Like always, genuine gratitude to you all for reading my work. Without you, I wouldn't have the motivation to write. Welcome to another edition of "In the Web."
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish have set the collegiate football landscape ablaze this fall en route to a sterling record of 1-7. As a fomer manual laborer, I can easily envision hordes of workers congregating pre-shift outside a convenient store predicting how much longer till Irish Coach Charlie Weiss meets his ultimate demise. Despite the fact that he underwent gastric bypass surgery, an extremely risky operation, to reduce his immense blubbler, Weiss looks more and more like the Caucasian answer to Fat Albert on a daily basis.
Notre Dame has hit a new level of futility thus far into the 2007 season and it's not entirely out of the realm to wonder about Weiss' job status and whether or not he'll be back with the Irish next year (I am positive that he will be). The demise I am broaching in this context involves the digging of six feet worth of dirt and I am confident that Weiss is an en vogue selection in the grand majority of death pools nationwide.
A standard death pool is predicated on the notion that each human being is worth 100 points. When someone expires, you debit his age by the 100 points. So, for example, if Weiss, 51, succumbed to gluttony this coming year, he would be valued at 49 points. That's a significant number of points and something that one needs to readily consider before embarking on a death pool draft.
On a sincerely morbid and tasteless note, Britney Spears, 25, would be a tremendous fantasy pick if you and your friends are contemplating establishing a death pool in 2008. I know, it's sick. But, she would grant you 75 points and that's nothing to sneeze at in this league.
Much to my chagrin, I firmly believe that Kevin Federline, 29, would be a disastrous pick in such a particular league. I view Federline as a survivor and I can envision that cockroach sipping pina coladas at a tropical resort with a loaded 80-year-old widow sometime in the late portion of 2058.
Moments ago, the Boston Red Sox beat the Colorado Rockies 3-2 to win their 2nd crown in 4 years. Obviously, the Red Sox have fielded high-qaulity for the past half-decade. But, not one of their teams could have taken any of the Yankee squads from 1996-2000 and they definitely couldn't have unseated either of the two Toronto Blue Jay teams that captured glory (1992-1993). Nevertheless, the Sox have been very good and they deserve their rightful due.
I'm just so very ecstatic that as I write and by the grace of a higher source, I happen to be 300 miles from Yawkey Way.
I am equally enthralled by the fact that I will no longer be forced to see the most untalented comedian, actor and musician on the globe, Boston native Dane Cook, rearing his ugly mug on another Fox baseball broadcast for quite some time.
The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one nees to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.
So indeed and without sarcasm and to call the proverbial spade a spade, the city of Beans is reveling in an athletic year for the ages. As noted, The Red Sox just won their second championship in four years. The Boston Collge Eagles have inexplikcably remained unbeaten (8-0) and are seemingly genuine championship contenders in a year marred with mediocity on the college gridiron. Lastly, the New England Patriots are sincere and worthy adversaries to the Miami Flamingo's unblemished mark that they set in 1972. In lieu of all this impressiveness, I ask, "How much for another ticket out of town?"
For those who complain that my writing is badly hindered because of my hatred towards everything that is Boston sports, I want to be emphatically clear that I am, and I have been for years, a big supporter of the fabled Celtics franchise. Still, the Celts had always previously played second fiddle to my beloved New York Knicks. Not anymore, my friends. Rooting for Knicks GM and Head Coach Isiah Thomas is akin to cheering for another outbreak of SARS (severe acute respiratory illness). I yearn for a disease free world.
Everything indicates that the New York Yankees are on the verge of naming Joe Girardi as the successor to the iconic Joseph Torre. Girardi's hire as a manager could work for the Bomber's. Obviously, it also could backfire. If the choice was mine, I would have rolled out the red carpet for the inexperienced Don Mattingly. But, that's just me and I've been wrong more times than Paris Hilton's had sex.
Whomever eventually manages the men in pinstripes, it appears they will do so without the services of an all-time talent. The famed purple-lipped pariah, Alex Rodriguez, opted out of his $252 million, 10-year contract with the New York Yankees Sunday to essntially end his career in the Bronx. The Bombers just lost the best player in basbeall. The Yankees also just became a better baseball team. Oh, the irony.
As frequent readers of mine know, weeks ago I contemplated permanently removing myself from the entire world of sports. Sunday, I watched live at the Meadowlands as the New York Jets suffered yet another loss to recede to a horrific mark of 1-8. But, this loss, 17-6 to the Buffalo Bills (3-5), was different. I never got mad and my day wasn't ruined. I now realize it's easier for me to watch "Gang Green" when they are flatly despicable instead of when they are contenders incapable of reaching the ultimate level. This is my life. I am a New York Jets fan.
Tip of the hat and much thanks for your time. I hope I kept you interested.
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish have set the collegiate football landscape ablaze this fall en route to a sterling record of 1-7. As a fomer manual laborer, I can easily envision hordes of workers congregating pre-shift outside a convenient store predicting how much longer till Irish Coach Charlie Weiss meets his ultimate demise. Despite the fact that he underwent gastric bypass surgery, an extremely risky operation, to reduce his immense blubbler, Weiss looks more and more like the Caucasian answer to Fat Albert on a daily basis.
Notre Dame has hit a new level of futility thus far into the 2007 season and it's not entirely out of the realm to wonder about Weiss' job status and whether or not he'll be back with the Irish next year (I am positive that he will be). The demise I am broaching in this context involves the digging of six feet worth of dirt and I am confident that Weiss is an en vogue selection in the grand majority of death pools nationwide.
A standard death pool is predicated on the notion that each human being is worth 100 points. When someone expires, you debit his age by the 100 points. So, for example, if Weiss, 51, succumbed to gluttony this coming year, he would be valued at 49 points. That's a significant number of points and something that one needs to readily consider before embarking on a death pool draft.
On a sincerely morbid and tasteless note, Britney Spears, 25, would be a tremendous fantasy pick if you and your friends are contemplating establishing a death pool in 2008. I know, it's sick. But, she would grant you 75 points and that's nothing to sneeze at in this league.
Much to my chagrin, I firmly believe that Kevin Federline, 29, would be a disastrous pick in such a particular league. I view Federline as a survivor and I can envision that cockroach sipping pina coladas at a tropical resort with a loaded 80-year-old widow sometime in the late portion of 2058.
Moments ago, the Boston Red Sox beat the Colorado Rockies 3-2 to win their 2nd crown in 4 years. Obviously, the Red Sox have fielded high-qaulity for the past half-decade. But, not one of their teams could have taken any of the Yankee squads from 1996-2000 and they definitely couldn't have unseated either of the two Toronto Blue Jay teams that captured glory (1992-1993). Nevertheless, the Sox have been very good and they deserve their rightful due.
I'm just so very ecstatic that as I write and by the grace of a higher source, I happen to be 300 miles from Yawkey Way.
I am equally enthralled by the fact that I will no longer be forced to see the most untalented comedian, actor and musician on the globe, Boston native Dane Cook, rearing his ugly mug on another Fox baseball broadcast for quite some time.
The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one nees to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.
So indeed and without sarcasm and to call the proverbial spade a spade, the city of Beans is reveling in an athletic year for the ages. As noted, The Red Sox just won their second championship in four years. The Boston Collge Eagles have inexplikcably remained unbeaten (8-0) and are seemingly genuine championship contenders in a year marred with mediocity on the college gridiron. Lastly, the New England Patriots are sincere and worthy adversaries to the Miami Flamingo's unblemished mark that they set in 1972. In lieu of all this impressiveness, I ask, "How much for another ticket out of town?"
For those who complain that my writing is badly hindered because of my hatred towards everything that is Boston sports, I want to be emphatically clear that I am, and I have been for years, a big supporter of the fabled Celtics franchise. Still, the Celts had always previously played second fiddle to my beloved New York Knicks. Not anymore, my friends. Rooting for Knicks GM and Head Coach Isiah Thomas is akin to cheering for another outbreak of SARS (severe acute respiratory illness). I yearn for a disease free world.
Everything indicates that the New York Yankees are on the verge of naming Joe Girardi as the successor to the iconic Joseph Torre. Girardi's hire as a manager could work for the Bomber's. Obviously, it also could backfire. If the choice was mine, I would have rolled out the red carpet for the inexperienced Don Mattingly. But, that's just me and I've been wrong more times than Paris Hilton's had sex.
Whomever eventually manages the men in pinstripes, it appears they will do so without the services of an all-time talent. The famed purple-lipped pariah, Alex Rodriguez, opted out of his $252 million, 10-year contract with the New York Yankees Sunday to essntially end his career in the Bronx. The Bombers just lost the best player in basbeall. The Yankees also just became a better baseball team. Oh, the irony.
As frequent readers of mine know, weeks ago I contemplated permanently removing myself from the entire world of sports. Sunday, I watched live at the Meadowlands as the New York Jets suffered yet another loss to recede to a horrific mark of 1-8. But, this loss, 17-6 to the Buffalo Bills (3-5), was different. I never got mad and my day wasn't ruined. I now realize it's easier for me to watch "Gang Green" when they are flatly despicable instead of when they are contenders incapable of reaching the ultimate level. This is my life. I am a New York Jets fan.
Tip of the hat and much thanks for your time. I hope I kept you interested.
Monday, October 22, 2007
"In the Web"
I welcome you to another edition of "In the Web." I hope I entertain.
One of the great leaders our country's seen since General George Patton, New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre, snubbed his nose at an incentive-laden contract extension proposed by Bombers suits Thursday evening. As other generations recall Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio and Mantle, I will fondly reminisce of the "Clueless Joe" era. Torre, who defeated prostate cancer in 2001 and established an anti-domestic abuse fund, "the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation," guided the Yankees to 4 World Series titles, six pennants and every one of his 12 squads made it to October.
Naysayers and critics alike will always yammer and claim Torre's an average skipper who's a product of George Steinbrenner's pockets. It's also fashionable for Torre bashers to emphasize that he hasn't navigated any of his squads to championship glory since 2000 despite being provided with an embarrassment of financial resources. Listen, Torre's squads haven't exactly bowed to a posse of untalented gumps.
The majority of teams that ousted a Torre led Bomber squad in the playoffs ultimately were crowned champions that year (01' Arizona Diamondbacks, 02' Los Angeles Angels (Jesus, this is long!) of Anaheim, 03' Florida Marlins, and the 04' Boston Red Sox).
My friends, take a look at the futility that was the South Bronx in the 80's and early 90's (I'm going to hope and presume you aren't front-runners and did actually watch back then). Steinbrenner threw money around like an affluent virgin in a nude joint during those painful years as well and his fleet of nine managers won, well, nothing with the dinero they were granted. I have never liked coincidences. Torre's calm demeanor and unparallel ability to relate with his players was the ingredient that catapulted the Bombers to 3 consecutive championships and 4 in 5 years from 1996-2000. I can say with steely confidence that Randy Johnson will be on the cover of Playgirl before a feat like that reoccurs in baseball.
Unfortunately, it seems lucid that the Bomber's brass offered Torre a contract that he had to refuse and one that was presented as a token gesture to ward off an even harsher outcry about their handling of this situation. The Yankees have amassed an impressive formulation of talented youth and veterans and they seem primed to recapture their dominance sooner than later. Nevertheless, the loss of Torre could usher in a return to managerial unrest and utter chaos. Human beings like Joseph Torre aren't found on every corner and I genuinely feel privileged and honored to know that I had the chance to watch him for such a prolonged period. If I'm ever half as "clueless" as Joe Torre is, I'll be satisfied with the way my life has unraveled.
Red Sox ace Josh Beckett should count his lucky stars that he was separated from the Cleveland Indian's Kenny Lofton in Game 5 before the lefty speedster got his paws on him. Lofton would have ended that "Mexican street fight" in the time it takes Takeru Kobayashi to eat a single frank.
The Red Sox defeated the Indians 11-2 Sunday night to win the ALCS in 7 games and advance to their second World Series in four years. Genuinely, the Yankees had better start to panic. If the Sox do in fact prevail and beat the Colorado Rockies they will have captured 7 whole crowns in their long and illustrious history. That’s only 19 less than the Yankees have recorded.
I love Chad Pennington like a brother and I would go to combat with that man in the bat of an eye. Nevertheless, it's time to usher in the Kellen Clemens era.
As a New York Jets fan, watching this version of the New England Patriot's (7-0) is akin to being sent to Guantanamo Bay. After watching their 49-28 route of the Miami Flamingo’s, nothing and I mean nothing, indicates that barring injuries this team can be beat. Make no mistake, cheaters or not, this is a genuine dynasty for the ages and this particular team may ultimately prove to be the best of any age.
Indiana University men's basketball is rudderless with Kelvin Sampson running the program. The Hoosiers don't necessarily need "Norman Dale." But, they do need someone and that someone is not Kelvin Sampson.
Granted, I'm biased because "I hate the fucking Eagles, man." But, eventually, Boston College will fold like a cheap suit.
If Miguel Cotto's fight on November the 10th against "Sugar" Shane Mosley is as tremendous as I anticipate, boxing will have had quite a few good months.
My most sincere thanks for reading another posting of "In the Web."
One of the great leaders our country's seen since General George Patton, New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre, snubbed his nose at an incentive-laden contract extension proposed by Bombers suits Thursday evening. As other generations recall Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio and Mantle, I will fondly reminisce of the "Clueless Joe" era. Torre, who defeated prostate cancer in 2001 and established an anti-domestic abuse fund, "the Joe Torre Safe at Home Foundation," guided the Yankees to 4 World Series titles, six pennants and every one of his 12 squads made it to October.
Naysayers and critics alike will always yammer and claim Torre's an average skipper who's a product of George Steinbrenner's pockets. It's also fashionable for Torre bashers to emphasize that he hasn't navigated any of his squads to championship glory since 2000 despite being provided with an embarrassment of financial resources. Listen, Torre's squads haven't exactly bowed to a posse of untalented gumps.
The majority of teams that ousted a Torre led Bomber squad in the playoffs ultimately were crowned champions that year (01' Arizona Diamondbacks, 02' Los Angeles Angels (Jesus, this is long!) of Anaheim, 03' Florida Marlins, and the 04' Boston Red Sox).
My friends, take a look at the futility that was the South Bronx in the 80's and early 90's (I'm going to hope and presume you aren't front-runners and did actually watch back then). Steinbrenner threw money around like an affluent virgin in a nude joint during those painful years as well and his fleet of nine managers won, well, nothing with the dinero they were granted. I have never liked coincidences. Torre's calm demeanor and unparallel ability to relate with his players was the ingredient that catapulted the Bombers to 3 consecutive championships and 4 in 5 years from 1996-2000. I can say with steely confidence that Randy Johnson will be on the cover of Playgirl before a feat like that reoccurs in baseball.
Unfortunately, it seems lucid that the Bomber's brass offered Torre a contract that he had to refuse and one that was presented as a token gesture to ward off an even harsher outcry about their handling of this situation. The Yankees have amassed an impressive formulation of talented youth and veterans and they seem primed to recapture their dominance sooner than later. Nevertheless, the loss of Torre could usher in a return to managerial unrest and utter chaos. Human beings like Joseph Torre aren't found on every corner and I genuinely feel privileged and honored to know that I had the chance to watch him for such a prolonged period. If I'm ever half as "clueless" as Joe Torre is, I'll be satisfied with the way my life has unraveled.
Red Sox ace Josh Beckett should count his lucky stars that he was separated from the Cleveland Indian's Kenny Lofton in Game 5 before the lefty speedster got his paws on him. Lofton would have ended that "Mexican street fight" in the time it takes Takeru Kobayashi to eat a single frank.
The Red Sox defeated the Indians 11-2 Sunday night to win the ALCS in 7 games and advance to their second World Series in four years. Genuinely, the Yankees had better start to panic. If the Sox do in fact prevail and beat the Colorado Rockies they will have captured 7 whole crowns in their long and illustrious history. That’s only 19 less than the Yankees have recorded.
I love Chad Pennington like a brother and I would go to combat with that man in the bat of an eye. Nevertheless, it's time to usher in the Kellen Clemens era.
As a New York Jets fan, watching this version of the New England Patriot's (7-0) is akin to being sent to Guantanamo Bay. After watching their 49-28 route of the Miami Flamingo’s, nothing and I mean nothing, indicates that barring injuries this team can be beat. Make no mistake, cheaters or not, this is a genuine dynasty for the ages and this particular team may ultimately prove to be the best of any age.
Indiana University men's basketball is rudderless with Kelvin Sampson running the program. The Hoosiers don't necessarily need "Norman Dale." But, they do need someone and that someone is not Kelvin Sampson.
Granted, I'm biased because "I hate the fucking Eagles, man." But, eventually, Boston College will fold like a cheap suit.
If Miguel Cotto's fight on November the 10th against "Sugar" Shane Mosley is as tremendous as I anticipate, boxing will have had quite a few good months.
My most sincere thanks for reading another posting of "In the Web."
Sunday, October 14, 2007
In the Web
I thank you for reading another edition of "In the Web."
Seemingly since I've been able to utilize my gams and walk, I've been an enormous sports fan. But, this past Sunday afternoon I had an epiphany akin to the one that Lester Burnham experienced towards the end of "American Beauty." Sitting in a prominent Boston sports bar, I was disgusted when I looked to my right and saw an obese and hideously unattractive woman donning a pink Red Sox hat frothing at the mouth rooting on "Big Papi." Much to my chagrin, I then looked to my left to see a low-rent middle-age man with two children by his side wearing an "A-Rod swallows" tee-shirt cheering on the New England Patriots. The combination of seeing these two repulsive New Englanders coupled with my favorite teams futility actually began to cause physical ailments within my body.
I was sweating like Patrick Ewing and my heart was beating like I was a hooker in a cathedral and for what? To passionately support a fleet of overpriced, often arrogant and surly men throw a ball around? Sports are simply games and they should not be taken more seriously than that. Nevertheless, I do love them and, in a less frenetic and more mature way, I will still attempt to entertain you with my take on the world of athletics.
Clearly, I am not a clairvoyant and I certainly don't have the psychic powers that Whoopi Goldberg's character had in the movie "Ghost." My prediction that the New York Yankees would lambaste the Cleveland Indians could not possibly have been more erroneous. The Yankees were manhandled by the upstart Tribe in four decisive games as Cleveland advanced to their first ALCS since 1998 (which they lost to the Bombers 4-2). After utilizing words such as "bloodbath" and "massacre" to project the Yankees ALDS domination, I made a fool of myself and any prediction I make in the foreseeable future should be heartily scoffed at. In essence, if I say "Go east," go west and your life will flourish.
New York's third consecutive ouster in the first round has Yankees suits scrambling for answers and into action. Most speculate that Joe Torre has managed his last game for the Yankees and New York's overall leadership is in utter disarray. My admiration for Torre is unparallel and I will forever cherish the sporting moments and championships that he's brought to the Big Apple since his arrival in the Bronx in 1996. Nevertheless, it may simply be time to move on. A new voice in the clubhouse could create new passion and more championship banners for a fabled franchise that hasn't won a crown in seven whole years.
Still, the longer it takes the big, bad owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, to mull the fate of Torre, the better the chances are that legendary skipper will return for a 13th season in Gotham. "Clueless Joe" may be hanging by a thread. But, he's still hanging.
It's time for New Yorkers to say good riddance to the greatest post-season failure in the annals of sports, Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod's ship has sailed in Gotham and a change will behoove all parties involved. A voyage into the free agency market will also enable the insatiable Rodriguez to purchase more designer knicker's and even better and more pricey hair frosting products.
On the bright side of the pinstriped rainbow, the Yankees will have Joba Chamberlain, 22, for an entire campaign next year. Chamberlain (2-0, 0.38 ERA) is the most exciting athlete to grace the "Big Apple" since Dwight Gooden arrived in 1984 and he may ultimately prove to be the greatest unveiling in the city since Scores Gentleman's Club.
The Yankees lost to the Indians fair and square. But, if it wasn't for the biblical plague of gnats that descended upon Cleveland last Friday in Game 2 and rattled Chamberlain, things may have been different. At the very least, it would have been an entirely different series.
If "Tricky Dick" Nixon was a crook and New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick is a cheat, then Roger Clemens is a thief who is guilty of stealing millions of dollars from Steinbrenner for 4 uninspiring months of mediocrity. Although the most powerful union in America, the Major League Baseball Player's union, would never enable it, Clemens should exhibit some testicular fortitude and attempt to reimburse Steinbrenner for the unmitigated disaster that he was this
year. On second thought, his testicles have likely vanished as the result of years of abusing steroids.
Speaking of banned performance enhancing drugs, a report surfaced moments ago indicating that former U.S. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will release his report into steroids before the end of the year and the investigation will link many superstars and previously unmentioned players to the doping scandal. Run, Roger, run! Maybe A-Rod should start warming up to.
As the Big Lebowski himself said, the New York Jets "plane has crashed into the God damn mountain."
Watching Adam "Pacman" Jones (5'10"/185 Lbs.) wrestle the other day on TNA was astonishing. The chiseled and uber athleticJones looked like miniscule to the other behomeths in tights in the squared circle. With exaggeration out of the window, the shredded Jones looked skinny enough to play the role of a skinny crack dealer on HBO's "The Wire." The Pacman better get in the good graces of NFL czar Roger Goodell and back on the gridirion soon or his career's going to end performing in the world of sports entertainment.
TBS Baseball analyst and legendary slugger Tony Gwynn has packed on even more blubber since he retired from the sport of baseball at the end of the 2001 season. His expanded waistline has ballooned to such immense proportions that it looked like he could run "Porky's Nightclub."
"Get it....At Porky's."
If the Boston College Eagles inevitably ascend to number two in the latest college football polls, we can all safely assume that this is a down year for college football. As noted in a previous post, like Jeff Lebowski, "I hate the fucking Eagles, man." But, with no bias intended, if the Eagles are the second best team in the nation, college football is mired in parity that is bordering on shire mediocity.
Thank you all for taking the time to review my column. I bid all a safe and happy week wherever I may find you.
Seemingly since I've been able to utilize my gams and walk, I've been an enormous sports fan. But, this past Sunday afternoon I had an epiphany akin to the one that Lester Burnham experienced towards the end of "American Beauty." Sitting in a prominent Boston sports bar, I was disgusted when I looked to my right and saw an obese and hideously unattractive woman donning a pink Red Sox hat frothing at the mouth rooting on "Big Papi." Much to my chagrin, I then looked to my left to see a low-rent middle-age man with two children by his side wearing an "A-Rod swallows" tee-shirt cheering on the New England Patriots. The combination of seeing these two repulsive New Englanders coupled with my favorite teams futility actually began to cause physical ailments within my body.
I was sweating like Patrick Ewing and my heart was beating like I was a hooker in a cathedral and for what? To passionately support a fleet of overpriced, often arrogant and surly men throw a ball around? Sports are simply games and they should not be taken more seriously than that. Nevertheless, I do love them and, in a less frenetic and more mature way, I will still attempt to entertain you with my take on the world of athletics.
Clearly, I am not a clairvoyant and I certainly don't have the psychic powers that Whoopi Goldberg's character had in the movie "Ghost." My prediction that the New York Yankees would lambaste the Cleveland Indians could not possibly have been more erroneous. The Yankees were manhandled by the upstart Tribe in four decisive games as Cleveland advanced to their first ALCS since 1998 (which they lost to the Bombers 4-2). After utilizing words such as "bloodbath" and "massacre" to project the Yankees ALDS domination, I made a fool of myself and any prediction I make in the foreseeable future should be heartily scoffed at. In essence, if I say "Go east," go west and your life will flourish.
New York's third consecutive ouster in the first round has Yankees suits scrambling for answers and into action. Most speculate that Joe Torre has managed his last game for the Yankees and New York's overall leadership is in utter disarray. My admiration for Torre is unparallel and I will forever cherish the sporting moments and championships that he's brought to the Big Apple since his arrival in the Bronx in 1996. Nevertheless, it may simply be time to move on. A new voice in the clubhouse could create new passion and more championship banners for a fabled franchise that hasn't won a crown in seven whole years.
Still, the longer it takes the big, bad owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, to mull the fate of Torre, the better the chances are that legendary skipper will return for a 13th season in Gotham. "Clueless Joe" may be hanging by a thread. But, he's still hanging.
It's time for New Yorkers to say good riddance to the greatest post-season failure in the annals of sports, Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod's ship has sailed in Gotham and a change will behoove all parties involved. A voyage into the free agency market will also enable the insatiable Rodriguez to purchase more designer knicker's and even better and more pricey hair frosting products.
On the bright side of the pinstriped rainbow, the Yankees will have Joba Chamberlain, 22, for an entire campaign next year. Chamberlain (2-0, 0.38 ERA) is the most exciting athlete to grace the "Big Apple" since Dwight Gooden arrived in 1984 and he may ultimately prove to be the greatest unveiling in the city since Scores Gentleman's Club.
The Yankees lost to the Indians fair and square. But, if it wasn't for the biblical plague of gnats that descended upon Cleveland last Friday in Game 2 and rattled Chamberlain, things may have been different. At the very least, it would have been an entirely different series.
If "Tricky Dick" Nixon was a crook and New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick is a cheat, then Roger Clemens is a thief who is guilty of stealing millions of dollars from Steinbrenner for 4 uninspiring months of mediocrity. Although the most powerful union in America, the Major League Baseball Player's union, would never enable it, Clemens should exhibit some testicular fortitude and attempt to reimburse Steinbrenner for the unmitigated disaster that he was this
year. On second thought, his testicles have likely vanished as the result of years of abusing steroids.
Speaking of banned performance enhancing drugs, a report surfaced moments ago indicating that former U.S. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will release his report into steroids before the end of the year and the investigation will link many superstars and previously unmentioned players to the doping scandal. Run, Roger, run! Maybe A-Rod should start warming up to.
As the Big Lebowski himself said, the New York Jets "plane has crashed into the God damn mountain."
Watching Adam "Pacman" Jones (5'10"/185 Lbs.) wrestle the other day on TNA was astonishing. The chiseled and uber athleticJones looked like miniscule to the other behomeths in tights in the squared circle. With exaggeration out of the window, the shredded Jones looked skinny enough to play the role of a skinny crack dealer on HBO's "The Wire." The Pacman better get in the good graces of NFL czar Roger Goodell and back on the gridirion soon or his career's going to end performing in the world of sports entertainment.
TBS Baseball analyst and legendary slugger Tony Gwynn has packed on even more blubber since he retired from the sport of baseball at the end of the 2001 season. His expanded waistline has ballooned to such immense proportions that it looked like he could run "Porky's Nightclub."
"Get it....At Porky's."
If the Boston College Eagles inevitably ascend to number two in the latest college football polls, we can all safely assume that this is a down year for college football. As noted in a previous post, like Jeff Lebowski, "I hate the fucking Eagles, man." But, with no bias intended, if the Eagles are the second best team in the nation, college football is mired in parity that is bordering on shire mediocity.
Thank you all for taking the time to review my column. I bid all a safe and happy week wherever I may find you.
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