• I hope I find everyone in great holiday sprits and I thank you for reading my rapid take on the week that was in sports. Welcome to another edition of "In the Web."
• The Green Bay Packers (10-1) and their iconic signal-caller, Brett Favre, seem destined for glory and triumph after registering their best start to a season since 1962. Favre, a 3-time N.F.L. MVP, is having the greatest year of his storybook career and his final words may ultimately be, "I'm going to Disney World!" If Carmen Diaz's former movie flame is able to punctuate his legacy with another ring, it will go down as one of the most spectacular and unlikely sports moments ever. On a personal note, it would be my favorite athletic memory since "Rowdy" Roddy Piper smashed a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's cranium in the middle of a segment of "Piper's Pit" in 1985.
• In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."
• Despite eventually losing 31-28, the Philadelphia Eagles (5-6) proved Sunday night that it is not "impossible" to beat the Patriots (11-0). Philly displayed a warrior mentality reminiscent of their hometown pride, Rocky Balboa, and their toe-to-toe performance against a Clubber Lang-like Pats squad should be a realization to the rest of the league that the signal-stealers are susceptible to defeat. As "the Italian Stallion" said to the offensive juggernaut that was Lang in Rocky III, "You ain't so bad. You ain't so bad. You ain't nothin.' C'Mon, champ, hit me in the face! My Mom hits harder than you." Before we deem the Pats the baddest thing to hit the pigskin landscape since leather-helmets, let's let them win it first.
• The University of Alabama's smarmy football coach, Nick Saban, is the most unlikeable leader of a team on the collegiate gridiron since John Goodman's character in the original "Revenge of the Nerds" movie. To emphasize this fact, a delusional Saban last week correlated a Crimson Tide loss to the events of 9-11 and Pearl Harbor.
"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."
I won't even dignify the content of Saban’s remarks with a thorough backlash. I will simply say that his wording and articulation will never be referred to as Churchill-ian.
• Speaking of abrasive and villainous coaches, it truly makes sense that New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick holds Saban in such high regard. Those two are meant for each other. One has to presume purgatory would be akin to driving cross-country with the two beautiful and engaging personalities.
• Kudos to Kurt Warner, 36, for reinvigorating his career with the Arizona Cardinals. Warner, a borderline Hall of Famer and 2-time N.F.L. MVP, is Nedward "Ned" Flanders but with more testicular fortitude and a better arm. The N.F.L. needs more men like Warner.
• The decrepit New York Jets (1-10) will be remembered notoriously for three things when this year goes into the archives. The first thing that will be evoked will be their fans sub-human reaction when they cheered an injury to the class act that is Chad Pennington during an opening day 38-14 loss to the Patriots. The second fond memory will be of when Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini blew the whistle on his mentor's nefarious tactics and placed a question on the Patriots reign and Belichick's genius. Ultimately, and best of all, the 2007 version of "Gang Green" will be immortalized for Gate D and East Rutherford's answer to Bourbon Street. This is one of the ugliest seasons in the history of a homely franchise.
• The Goldie Hawn-charged Wildcats could inevitably overpower this year’s best college football team.
• Ricardo Mayorga (29-6-1), 34, was awarded a majority decision over Fernando Vargas (26-4), 29, last Saturday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. It seems like bad guys do often finish first.
• Redskins star cornerback Sean Taylor was shot in the leg in his home during an apparent botched burglary Sunday night and he succumbed to his wound the following morning at the Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami. It is yet to be seen how the media will portray the troubled Taylor. But, good man or bad, it is a terrible tragedy when a talented person dies at the young age of 24.
• My most sincere “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
In the Web
· I send “thanks” to you all for taking the time to read my rapid take on the week that was in sports.
· Former San Francisco Giants icon and baseball’s home run king Barry Lamar Bonds, 43, was indicted Thursday by a federal grand jury on 4 counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice for denying utilizing performance enhancing drugs. The indictment places another enormous asterisk next to Bonds tarnished records and it further darkens baseball’s “Steroid Era” (1994-present).
Since debuting with the Pittsburgh Pirates as a stick with jheri curls in 1986, Bonds has transformed his body into a mountain of mass and muscle. San Francisco Chronicle reporters and authors of “Game of Shadows,” Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, documented the massive growth in Bonds' jersey size (42 to 52), cleat size (10 1/2 to 13) and cap size (7 1/8 to 7 1/4) — even though he now shaves his head and no longer looks like a walking “Soul Glo” infomercial. Bonds can continue to deny these lurid allegations until he is blue in the face. He cheated and then he lied to investigators about his cheating.
Nevertheless, he was the best player in baseball long before he began using ‘roids after the 1998 season and he may have been the greatest performer ever while he was juiced-up. It is imperative to realize that the entire sport of baseball was infested with steroids during this timeframe and it is simply unfair to demonize only the most famous and successful scofflaw of them all. It would be prudent and mature for fans to delay their reaction to Bonds and his indictment until after Senator George Mitchell releases the findings of his steroid investigation sometime in the coming weeks. Once that happens, judging Bonds against his peers will be fair and on a more level playing field (pun intended).
· * *
· This was a devastating week for any legitimate and knowledgeable fan of the New York Yankees. After seemingly emancipating themselves from the cancer known as Alex Rodriguez, 32, the Bomber’s brass has had a moronic change of heart and the two sides are finalizing a contract agreement worth a reported $275 million over 10-years. In essence, this deal ensures that there won’t be a Yankee championship parade in Gotham until at least 2017.
· I have supported the New York Yankees since I was a child and I never believed that I would waiver my allegiance to the men in pinstripes. But, in lieu of this disgraceful pact with A-Gump, I need to reevaluate my standing. Am I capable of cheering for this parasite until I am 37 years of age? I sincerely don’t know the answer to that question. I have always beloved the Giants and it may be time for all of my passion to reside in the Bay Area. I can’t with any justification support this sexual instrument. But, on the other end of the spectrum, should I allow this championship-zero to alter my thinking and way of life? I am just in a very confused state and I am seeking answers.
· Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson was reprimanded by the N.B.A. after making a homosexual reference in jest following his teams 107-92 loss to the San Antonio Spurs on Tuesday night. In the aftermath of San Antonio’s 13 3-pointers, Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.
“We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there is so much penetration and kickouts,” said Jackson, the king of arrogance. “It was just one of those games.”
In my column last week, I made a similarly snark remark and I genuinely want to recant my words and separate myself from the former third man off the New York Knicks bench. Last week, I wrote:
The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.
If I offended anyone, I apologize and I assure you that I will veer away from such attempted humor in the future.
· Stephon (“Starbury”—Ha!) Marbury, 30, went AWOL this week after being informed by his incompetent boss, New York Knicks Head Coach Isiah Thomas, that he was going to be replaced in the starting lineup by backup point guard Mardy Collins, 23. Speaking to reporters regarding his demotion, Marbury said, “Isiah has to start me. I’ve got so much stuff on Isiah and he knows it.” These two worthless bums, “Starbury” and “Zeke,” deserve each other. In large part because of these two malcontents, Gotham shouldn't expect a basketball championship parade anytime soon either.
· After watching the revived Boston Celtics (8-0) throttle the Lawrence Frank-led New Jersey Nets (4-5) last week, I mentally devised a potentially fascinating “Mexican Street Fight.” Who emerges victorious in a battle pitting Frank, 37, versus Knicks legend Jeff Van Gundy, 45? Physically, it would be fair combat. But, Van Gundy’s scrappy and fearless style would be the gateway to glory. Case closed.
· I am participating in a fantasy football league this season for the first time in my life. To be honest, I like it and it absolutely adds intrigue to every Sunday’s action on the gridiron. But, the league does have drawbacks. I currently have Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, 33, on my roster. Owens has been, like usual, remarkably productive this year and he’s a cornerstone on my squad. But, I am rooting for T.O. and that’s the drawback of drawbacks.
· If the New England Patriot’s (9-0) do make it to Arizona to compete in Superbowl XLII, it will be 44.5 states (southern Connecticut) versus 5.5 states (northern Connecticut and the 5 other New England States). How can more than 88% of our country be wrong? The Patriot’s are a villainous and nefarious crew.
· I may be blinded by optimism, but I still believe that Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weiss and New York Jets Coach Eric Mangini are the right people for their respective tasks at hand.
· Great thanks to you all for taking the time to review my weekly rant. I wish you all a safe and memorable Thanksgiving holiday!
· Former San Francisco Giants icon and baseball’s home run king Barry Lamar Bonds, 43, was indicted Thursday by a federal grand jury on 4 counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice for denying utilizing performance enhancing drugs. The indictment places another enormous asterisk next to Bonds tarnished records and it further darkens baseball’s “Steroid Era” (1994-present).
Since debuting with the Pittsburgh Pirates as a stick with jheri curls in 1986, Bonds has transformed his body into a mountain of mass and muscle. San Francisco Chronicle reporters and authors of “Game of Shadows,” Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, documented the massive growth in Bonds' jersey size (42 to 52), cleat size (10 1/2 to 13) and cap size (7 1/8 to 7 1/4) — even though he now shaves his head and no longer looks like a walking “Soul Glo” infomercial. Bonds can continue to deny these lurid allegations until he is blue in the face. He cheated and then he lied to investigators about his cheating.
Nevertheless, he was the best player in baseball long before he began using ‘roids after the 1998 season and he may have been the greatest performer ever while he was juiced-up. It is imperative to realize that the entire sport of baseball was infested with steroids during this timeframe and it is simply unfair to demonize only the most famous and successful scofflaw of them all. It would be prudent and mature for fans to delay their reaction to Bonds and his indictment until after Senator George Mitchell releases the findings of his steroid investigation sometime in the coming weeks. Once that happens, judging Bonds against his peers will be fair and on a more level playing field (pun intended).
· * *
· This was a devastating week for any legitimate and knowledgeable fan of the New York Yankees. After seemingly emancipating themselves from the cancer known as Alex Rodriguez, 32, the Bomber’s brass has had a moronic change of heart and the two sides are finalizing a contract agreement worth a reported $275 million over 10-years. In essence, this deal ensures that there won’t be a Yankee championship parade in Gotham until at least 2017.
· I have supported the New York Yankees since I was a child and I never believed that I would waiver my allegiance to the men in pinstripes. But, in lieu of this disgraceful pact with A-Gump, I need to reevaluate my standing. Am I capable of cheering for this parasite until I am 37 years of age? I sincerely don’t know the answer to that question. I have always beloved the Giants and it may be time for all of my passion to reside in the Bay Area. I can’t with any justification support this sexual instrument. But, on the other end of the spectrum, should I allow this championship-zero to alter my thinking and way of life? I am just in a very confused state and I am seeking answers.
· Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson was reprimanded by the N.B.A. after making a homosexual reference in jest following his teams 107-92 loss to the San Antonio Spurs on Tuesday night. In the aftermath of San Antonio’s 13 3-pointers, Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.
“We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there is so much penetration and kickouts,” said Jackson, the king of arrogance. “It was just one of those games.”
In my column last week, I made a similarly snark remark and I genuinely want to recant my words and separate myself from the former third man off the New York Knicks bench. Last week, I wrote:
The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.
If I offended anyone, I apologize and I assure you that I will veer away from such attempted humor in the future.
· Stephon (“Starbury”—Ha!) Marbury, 30, went AWOL this week after being informed by his incompetent boss, New York Knicks Head Coach Isiah Thomas, that he was going to be replaced in the starting lineup by backup point guard Mardy Collins, 23. Speaking to reporters regarding his demotion, Marbury said, “Isiah has to start me. I’ve got so much stuff on Isiah and he knows it.” These two worthless bums, “Starbury” and “Zeke,” deserve each other. In large part because of these two malcontents, Gotham shouldn't expect a basketball championship parade anytime soon either.
· After watching the revived Boston Celtics (8-0) throttle the Lawrence Frank-led New Jersey Nets (4-5) last week, I mentally devised a potentially fascinating “Mexican Street Fight.” Who emerges victorious in a battle pitting Frank, 37, versus Knicks legend Jeff Van Gundy, 45? Physically, it would be fair combat. But, Van Gundy’s scrappy and fearless style would be the gateway to glory. Case closed.
· I am participating in a fantasy football league this season for the first time in my life. To be honest, I like it and it absolutely adds intrigue to every Sunday’s action on the gridiron. But, the league does have drawbacks. I currently have Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens, 33, on my roster. Owens has been, like usual, remarkably productive this year and he’s a cornerstone on my squad. But, I am rooting for T.O. and that’s the drawback of drawbacks.
· If the New England Patriot’s (9-0) do make it to Arizona to compete in Superbowl XLII, it will be 44.5 states (southern Connecticut) versus 5.5 states (northern Connecticut and the 5 other New England States). How can more than 88% of our country be wrong? The Patriot’s are a villainous and nefarious crew.
· I may be blinded by optimism, but I still believe that Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weiss and New York Jets Coach Eric Mangini are the right people for their respective tasks at hand.
· Great thanks to you all for taking the time to review my weekly rant. I wish you all a safe and memorable Thanksgiving holiday!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
In the Web
* I appreciate you taking the time to read another edition of "In the Web." I hope I entertain you with my rapid review of the week that was in sports.
* The Notre Dame Fighting Irish (1-8) lost to Navy (5-4) last Saturday in 3OT to snap their NCAA-record winning streak over one opponent at 43 games. The loss, already Notre Dame's 5th at home this year, is a new nadir for the Irish and their highly-scrutinized Head Coach Charlie Weiss. Despite Notre Dame's mid-air-collision of a season, Weiss allegedly sees better days ahead for the Irish in the very near future.
According to WFAN's Mike Francesa, he joined Weiss and the third leg of their trio of girth, coaching icon Bill Parcells, at Monmouth Park Racetrack in New Jersey on the 27th of October to support the ponies running at the Breeder's Cup. In between platters of food and races, Francesa claims that Weiss acknowledged to him that this season is far direr than he could have ever envisioned. Weiss stated that he knew this season would be horrible and he said so to associates of his in confidence. But, he never could have fathomed this horrific level of futility at the Golden Dome. Weiss went on to predict that his squad would be quite competitive next year and then he boldly capped off his clairvoyance by predicting that the Irish would win the national championship in 2009.
As a fan of the Irish who was not old enough to enjoy their last national championship in 1988, I can assure you that I will store that comment away and check its validity towards the end of Rudolph Giuliani's first term in the Oval Office. I hope the fat boy's onto something.
* In fairness, Weiss indeed is a great offensive mind and I still do have faith that he is the correct person to return the Irish to national prominence. Nevertheless, I am in no capacity sold on his prized freshman recruit, quarterback Jimmy Clausen, 20. It is entirely unfair for anyone to judge Clausen based on this season. The "Lebron James of high school quarterbacks" has been provided with absolutely zero protection upfront and he has a dearth of explosive players to throw to on offense. Still, I haven't detected even a hint of toughness or zest when I've seen him behind the gun to date. In reality, Clausen, who went 43-0 in his prep career playing for Oaks Christian High School in Westlake Village, California, seems better suited to star in a remake of the 80's flick "Mannequin." I can see him cruising down Santa Monica Boulevard in a pink Cadillac with the character "Hollywood" in shotgun before I can see him leading the Irish to another pot of gold.
* On October the 28th, I wrote "Granted, I'm biased because 'I hate the fucking Eagles, man.' But, eventually, Boston College will fold like a cheap suit." Last Saturday night in a quasi-monsoon, the Eagles (8-1, 4-1) folded like a "cheap suit" in an excruciating 27-17 loss to the Florida State Seminoles (6-3, 3-3). I hope Eagles fans enjoyed their run of prosperity because I can easily forecast at least 2 more losses before the season ends in early-January. Boston College is an average football team that will finish with an average record when it's all said and done.
* With that said, in a year marred with mediocrity on the collegiate gridiron, almost every team is average.
* It has been reported in a number of news outlets that the New York Yankees are seriously contemplating proposing a trade offer to the Baltimore Orioles for their resident juice-head, Miguel Tejada, 31. The Yankees imagine Tejada as a less expensive and less abrasive answer to Alex Rodriguez at third base. Granted, anybody's a likeable upgrade in comparison to A-Rod. But, Miguel Tejada and his fleet of unwanted baggage? If the Bomber's truly want to replace the purple-lipped pariah at the hot corner, they need to continue descending south and they need to make a genuine offer to the Florida Marlins for Miguel Cabrera, 24. Despite concerns about his propensity to gain weight, Cabrera's worth the risk and the prospects that would be needed to land him.
* As long as those prospects don't include rookie sensation Joba Chamberlain, 22.
* The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.
* The team known formerly as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays has shed the "Devil" and is now known simply as the Rays. With this monumental announcement, one must wonder if St. Petersburg officials have begun to already map out the Rays championship parade route for next October.
* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."
* Come to think of it, the loveable Belichick is somewhat reminiscent of the Cobra Kai's sensei, John Kreese. How can one say with certainty that Belichick has never inspired his villainous crew by uttering the words, "Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that?"
* The Boston Celtics (4-0) are in the midst of a renaissance following an offseason that saw them acquire superstars Kevin Garnett, 31, and Ray Allen, 32. I have seen more people wearing Celtics merchandise in Boston in the past 2 weeks than I did during my previous 8-years in the city combined. Coincidence? Nah, just more front-runners.
* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.
* Great thanks to you all for your time. I look forward to another round sometime next week.
* The Notre Dame Fighting Irish (1-8) lost to Navy (5-4) last Saturday in 3OT to snap their NCAA-record winning streak over one opponent at 43 games. The loss, already Notre Dame's 5th at home this year, is a new nadir for the Irish and their highly-scrutinized Head Coach Charlie Weiss. Despite Notre Dame's mid-air-collision of a season, Weiss allegedly sees better days ahead for the Irish in the very near future.
According to WFAN's Mike Francesa, he joined Weiss and the third leg of their trio of girth, coaching icon Bill Parcells, at Monmouth Park Racetrack in New Jersey on the 27th of October to support the ponies running at the Breeder's Cup. In between platters of food and races, Francesa claims that Weiss acknowledged to him that this season is far direr than he could have ever envisioned. Weiss stated that he knew this season would be horrible and he said so to associates of his in confidence. But, he never could have fathomed this horrific level of futility at the Golden Dome. Weiss went on to predict that his squad would be quite competitive next year and then he boldly capped off his clairvoyance by predicting that the Irish would win the national championship in 2009.
As a fan of the Irish who was not old enough to enjoy their last national championship in 1988, I can assure you that I will store that comment away and check its validity towards the end of Rudolph Giuliani's first term in the Oval Office. I hope the fat boy's onto something.
* In fairness, Weiss indeed is a great offensive mind and I still do have faith that he is the correct person to return the Irish to national prominence. Nevertheless, I am in no capacity sold on his prized freshman recruit, quarterback Jimmy Clausen, 20. It is entirely unfair for anyone to judge Clausen based on this season. The "Lebron James of high school quarterbacks" has been provided with absolutely zero protection upfront and he has a dearth of explosive players to throw to on offense. Still, I haven't detected even a hint of toughness or zest when I've seen him behind the gun to date. In reality, Clausen, who went 43-0 in his prep career playing for Oaks Christian High School in Westlake Village, California, seems better suited to star in a remake of the 80's flick "Mannequin." I can see him cruising down Santa Monica Boulevard in a pink Cadillac with the character "Hollywood" in shotgun before I can see him leading the Irish to another pot of gold.
* On October the 28th, I wrote "Granted, I'm biased because 'I hate the fucking Eagles, man.' But, eventually, Boston College will fold like a cheap suit." Last Saturday night in a quasi-monsoon, the Eagles (8-1, 4-1) folded like a "cheap suit" in an excruciating 27-17 loss to the Florida State Seminoles (6-3, 3-3). I hope Eagles fans enjoyed their run of prosperity because I can easily forecast at least 2 more losses before the season ends in early-January. Boston College is an average football team that will finish with an average record when it's all said and done.
* With that said, in a year marred with mediocrity on the collegiate gridiron, almost every team is average.
* It has been reported in a number of news outlets that the New York Yankees are seriously contemplating proposing a trade offer to the Baltimore Orioles for their resident juice-head, Miguel Tejada, 31. The Yankees imagine Tejada as a less expensive and less abrasive answer to Alex Rodriguez at third base. Granted, anybody's a likeable upgrade in comparison to A-Rod. But, Miguel Tejada and his fleet of unwanted baggage? If the Bomber's truly want to replace the purple-lipped pariah at the hot corner, they need to continue descending south and they need to make a genuine offer to the Florida Marlins for Miguel Cabrera, 24. Despite concerns about his propensity to gain weight, Cabrera's worth the risk and the prospects that would be needed to land him.
* As long as those prospects don't include rookie sensation Joba Chamberlain, 22.
* The phony known as Roger Clemens accepted a job as a consultant this week with the Houston Astros. In lieu of this news, one can only presume that Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite, 35, will follow-suit and retire. I mean, those two are inseparable like Laurel and Hardy, right? Or, was it inseparable like "Ennis del Mar" and "Jack Twist" in "Brokeback Mountain? Either way, with Clemens gone, Pettite's days in the South Bronx are inevitably finished.
* The team known formerly as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays has shed the "Devil" and is now known simply as the Rays. With this monumental announcement, one must wonder if St. Petersburg officials have begun to already map out the Rays championship parade route for next October.
* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."
* Come to think of it, the loveable Belichick is somewhat reminiscent of the Cobra Kai's sensei, John Kreese. How can one say with certainty that Belichick has never inspired his villainous crew by uttering the words, "Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that?"
* The Boston Celtics (4-0) are in the midst of a renaissance following an offseason that saw them acquire superstars Kevin Garnett, 31, and Ray Allen, 32. I have seen more people wearing Celtics merchandise in Boston in the past 2 weeks than I did during my previous 8-years in the city combined. Coincidence? Nah, just more front-runners.
* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.
* Great thanks to you all for your time. I look forward to another round sometime next week.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
In the Web
• I thank you for reading another edition of “In the Web.” I hope I amuse and entertain you with my rapid take on the week that was in sports.
• It’s valid to question whether the New York Jets (1-7) were overachievers en route to a surprising record of 10-6 last season or if they are simply miserable underachievers this year. In actuality, this answer likely lies somewhere in between both of the aforementioned scenarios. The real query is if Eric Mangini is still a certified genius. “The Mangenius,” who finished second to New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton in the 2006 NFL Coach of the Year voting, has seen his media-created IQ plummet to Charlie Gordon-like levels. Can anyone say with a straight face at this point that Mangini could defeat Algernon in an intelligence experiment? As a loyal follower of “Gang Green,” I can’t.
• Both the New England Patriots (8-0) and the Indianapolis Colts (7-0) are everything that the Jets strive to one day become. If by circumstance, these two squads don’t reunite again later this season in the playoffs, I’ll be flabbergasted. But, as the NFL adage goes, any team can beat any other on “any given Sunday.” So, enjoy this game between two elite teams who feature all-time quarterbacks for the ages in the Pats Tom Brady and the Colts Peyton Manning, 31. We may not see a regular season matchup of this magnitude again in quite some time.
• I am extremely cognizant of Manning’s extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn’t Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.
• A report surfaced late-Friday afternoon that Alex Rodriguez and his despicable agent, Scott Boras, anticipated a contract extension offer worth a guaranteed $350 million simply to arrange a face-to-face negotiation with Yankee suits. My disdain for A-Rod is profound and I already sense a feeling of liberation when I realize I won’t be subjected to seeing the purple-lipped pariah on the hot corner next season for the Bombers. As stated ad nausea in this column, I don’t like coincidences. Can it possibly be a coincidence that both teams that Rodriguez left (the Seattle Mariners and the Texas Rangers) dramatically improved the year after they gained their freedom from him? I think not, my friends. A-Rod wouldn’t know wining if it came complimentary with one of his hair products and he never had any business playing for the most winning franchise in the annals of North American pro sports to begin with.
• By the way, for those keeping record at home, the Red Sox mediocre pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka, has recorded more postseason RBI’s (2) than A-Rod has since game four of the 2004 ALCS. Rodriguez has one RBI since that timeframe.
• Rodriguez’s classy wife, Cynthia, wore a tee-shirt to the Stadium last July that said “F*ck you” on the back of it. In essence, those are my last words to the complacent parasite that used to wear #13 for the New York Yankees.
• Without warrant, Rudolph Giuliani, who helped revive New York City and who received universal laud for his leadership as the city’s mayor in the aftermath of 9-11, has always fancied himself as some kind of ultimate Yankee aficionado. Then, just two weeks ago, he publicly declared that he would root for the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in favor of the Colorado Rockies. I have no patience for people who are not sincere with their stated allegiance and, after hearing that, I pronounce Rudy to be about as loyal as a rattlesnake. I had seriously considered voting for Giuliani during the election of 2008. But, how can I do so now? I mean, I’d rather be aligned in a foxhole with Benedict Arnold.
• When asked earlier this week for his opinion of the New York Knicks and their on and off court woes that were punctuated by losing a sexual harassment case last month, NBA Commissioner David Stern said, “It demonstrates that they’re not a model of intelligent management.” Isn’t that kind of like saying that Nate Newton used to dabble in marijuana?
• Tennis great Martina Hingis, 27, abruptly retired from her sport after testing positive for cocaine after the 2007 Wimbledon Championships. Hingis, who denied using the drug and considered the media’s handling of her story disgraceful, went out on her own terms. Despite the circumstance, that’s more than many athletes can say.
• On a serious topic, the media needs to leave Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid and his two deeply troubled sons, Britt, 22, and Garrett, 24, alone. Britt and Garrett both have serious problems and the unconscionable media is feeding off their demise like vultures. Shame on them for covering this personal matter and shame on anyone who seeks updates on this non-sports-story.
• Two weeks after being unceremoniously spurned by the New York Yankees, Joe Torre, 67, inked a 3-year contract to manage the Los Angeles Dodgers for a reported $13 million. Torre is a tremendous man and he is one who I would align myself in a foxhole with.
• Sincere thanks! I hope I entertained.
• It’s valid to question whether the New York Jets (1-7) were overachievers en route to a surprising record of 10-6 last season or if they are simply miserable underachievers this year. In actuality, this answer likely lies somewhere in between both of the aforementioned scenarios. The real query is if Eric Mangini is still a certified genius. “The Mangenius,” who finished second to New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton in the 2006 NFL Coach of the Year voting, has seen his media-created IQ plummet to Charlie Gordon-like levels. Can anyone say with a straight face at this point that Mangini could defeat Algernon in an intelligence experiment? As a loyal follower of “Gang Green,” I can’t.
• Both the New England Patriots (8-0) and the Indianapolis Colts (7-0) are everything that the Jets strive to one day become. If by circumstance, these two squads don’t reunite again later this season in the playoffs, I’ll be flabbergasted. But, as the NFL adage goes, any team can beat any other on “any given Sunday.” So, enjoy this game between two elite teams who feature all-time quarterbacks for the ages in the Pats Tom Brady and the Colts Peyton Manning, 31. We may not see a regular season matchup of this magnitude again in quite some time.
• I am extremely cognizant of Manning’s extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn’t Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.
• A report surfaced late-Friday afternoon that Alex Rodriguez and his despicable agent, Scott Boras, anticipated a contract extension offer worth a guaranteed $350 million simply to arrange a face-to-face negotiation with Yankee suits. My disdain for A-Rod is profound and I already sense a feeling of liberation when I realize I won’t be subjected to seeing the purple-lipped pariah on the hot corner next season for the Bombers. As stated ad nausea in this column, I don’t like coincidences. Can it possibly be a coincidence that both teams that Rodriguez left (the Seattle Mariners and the Texas Rangers) dramatically improved the year after they gained their freedom from him? I think not, my friends. A-Rod wouldn’t know wining if it came complimentary with one of his hair products and he never had any business playing for the most winning franchise in the annals of North American pro sports to begin with.
• By the way, for those keeping record at home, the Red Sox mediocre pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka, has recorded more postseason RBI’s (2) than A-Rod has since game four of the 2004 ALCS. Rodriguez has one RBI since that timeframe.
• Rodriguez’s classy wife, Cynthia, wore a tee-shirt to the Stadium last July that said “F*ck you” on the back of it. In essence, those are my last words to the complacent parasite that used to wear #13 for the New York Yankees.
• Without warrant, Rudolph Giuliani, who helped revive New York City and who received universal laud for his leadership as the city’s mayor in the aftermath of 9-11, has always fancied himself as some kind of ultimate Yankee aficionado. Then, just two weeks ago, he publicly declared that he would root for the Boston Red Sox in the World Series in favor of the Colorado Rockies. I have no patience for people who are not sincere with their stated allegiance and, after hearing that, I pronounce Rudy to be about as loyal as a rattlesnake. I had seriously considered voting for Giuliani during the election of 2008. But, how can I do so now? I mean, I’d rather be aligned in a foxhole with Benedict Arnold.
• When asked earlier this week for his opinion of the New York Knicks and their on and off court woes that were punctuated by losing a sexual harassment case last month, NBA Commissioner David Stern said, “It demonstrates that they’re not a model of intelligent management.” Isn’t that kind of like saying that Nate Newton used to dabble in marijuana?
• Tennis great Martina Hingis, 27, abruptly retired from her sport after testing positive for cocaine after the 2007 Wimbledon Championships. Hingis, who denied using the drug and considered the media’s handling of her story disgraceful, went out on her own terms. Despite the circumstance, that’s more than many athletes can say.
• On a serious topic, the media needs to leave Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid and his two deeply troubled sons, Britt, 22, and Garrett, 24, alone. Britt and Garrett both have serious problems and the unconscionable media is feeding off their demise like vultures. Shame on them for covering this personal matter and shame on anyone who seeks updates on this non-sports-story.
• Two weeks after being unceremoniously spurned by the New York Yankees, Joe Torre, 67, inked a 3-year contract to manage the Los Angeles Dodgers for a reported $13 million. Torre is a tremendous man and he is one who I would align myself in a foxhole with.
• Sincere thanks! I hope I entertained.
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