In the Web

I thank you for reading another edition of "In the Web."

Seemingly since I've been able to utilize my gams and walk, I've been an enormous sports fan. But, this past Sunday afternoon I had an epiphany akin to the one that Lester Burnham experienced towards the end of "American Beauty." Sitting in a prominent Boston sports bar, I was disgusted when I looked to my right and saw an obese and hideously unattractive woman donning a pink Red Sox hat frothing at the mouth rooting on "Big Papi." Much to my chagrin, I then looked to my left to see a low-rent middle-age man with two children by his side wearing an "A-Rod swallows" tee-shirt cheering on the New England Patriots. The combination of seeing these two repulsive New Englanders coupled with my favorite teams futility actually began to cause physical ailments within my body.

I was sweating like Patrick Ewing and my heart was beating like I was a hooker in a cathedral and for what? To passionately support a fleet of overpriced, often arrogant and surly men throw a ball around? Sports are simply games and they should not be taken more seriously than that. Nevertheless, I do love them and, in a less frenetic and more mature way, I will still attempt to entertain you with my take on the world of athletics.

Clearly, I am not a clairvoyant and I certainly don't have the psychic powers that Whoopi Goldberg's character had in the movie "Ghost." My prediction that the New York Yankees would lambaste the Cleveland Indians could not possibly have been more erroneous. The Yankees were manhandled by the upstart Tribe in four decisive games as Cleveland advanced to their first ALCS since 1998 (which they lost to the Bombers 4-2). After utilizing words such as "bloodbath" and "massacre" to project the Yankees ALDS domination, I made a fool of myself and any prediction I make in the foreseeable future should be heartily scoffed at. In essence, if I say "Go east," go west and your life will flourish.

New York's third consecutive ouster in the first round has Yankees suits scrambling for answers and into action. Most speculate that Joe Torre has managed his last game for the Yankees and New York's overall leadership is in utter disarray. My admiration for Torre is unparallel and I will forever cherish the sporting moments and championships that he's brought to the Big Apple since his arrival in the Bronx in 1996. Nevertheless, it may simply be time to move on. A new voice in the clubhouse could create new passion and more championship banners for a fabled franchise that hasn't won a crown in seven whole years.

Still, the longer it takes the big, bad owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, to mull the fate of Torre, the better the chances are that legendary skipper will return for a 13th season in Gotham. "Clueless Joe" may be hanging by a thread. But, he's still hanging.

It's time for New Yorkers to say good riddance to the greatest post-season failure in the annals of sports, Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod's ship has sailed in Gotham and a change will behoove all parties involved. A voyage into the free agency market will also enable the insatiable Rodriguez to purchase more designer knicker's and even better and more pricey hair frosting products.

On the bright side of the pinstriped rainbow, the Yankees will have Joba Chamberlain, 22, for an entire campaign next year. Chamberlain (2-0, 0.38 ERA) is the most exciting athlete to grace the "Big Apple" since Dwight Gooden arrived in 1984 and he may ultimately prove to be the greatest unveiling in the city since Scores Gentleman's Club.

The Yankees lost to the Indians fair and square. But, if it wasn't for the biblical plague of gnats that descended upon Cleveland last Friday in Game 2 and rattled Chamberlain, things may have been different. At the very least, it would have been an entirely different series.

If "Tricky Dick" Nixon was a crook and New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick is a cheat, then Roger Clemens is a thief who is guilty of stealing millions of dollars from Steinbrenner for 4 uninspiring months of mediocrity. Although the most powerful union in America, the Major League Baseball Player's union, would never enable it, Clemens should exhibit some testicular fortitude and attempt to reimburse Steinbrenner for the unmitigated disaster that he was this
year. On second thought, his testicles have likely vanished as the result of years of abusing steroids.

Speaking of banned performance enhancing drugs, a report surfaced moments ago indicating that former U.S. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will release his report into steroids before the end of the year and the investigation will link many superstars and previously unmentioned players to the doping scandal. Run, Roger, run! Maybe A-Rod should start warming up to.

As the Big Lebowski himself said, the New York Jets "plane has crashed into the God damn mountain."

Watching Adam "Pacman" Jones (5'10"/185 Lbs.) wrestle the other day on TNA was astonishing. The chiseled and uber athleticJones looked like miniscule to the other behomeths in tights in the squared circle. With exaggeration out of the window, the shredded Jones looked skinny enough to play the role of a skinny crack dealer on HBO's "The Wire." The Pacman better get in the good graces of NFL czar Roger Goodell and back on the gridirion soon or his career's going to end performing in the world of sports entertainment.

TBS Baseball analyst and legendary slugger Tony Gwynn has packed on even more blubber since he retired from the sport of baseball at the end of the 2001 season. His expanded waistline has ballooned to such immense proportions that it looked like he could run "Porky's Nightclub."

"Get it....At Porky's."

If the Boston College Eagles inevitably ascend to number two in the latest college football polls, we can all safely assume that this is a down year for college football. As noted in a previous post, like Jeff Lebowski, "I hate the fucking Eagles, man." But, with no bias intended, if the Eagles are the second best team in the nation, college football is mired in parity that is bordering on shire mediocity.

Thank you all for taking the time to review my column. I bid all a safe and happy week wherever I may find you.