In the Web

• As the snow falls in New England, it is apparent that winter is upon us a tad early this year. I hope I find everyone well and I welcome you to another edition of "In the Web."


• Whether my writing was applauded or vilified, I had always been thankful that an individual took the time to read my work. Unfortunately, I have been the recent recipient of merciless criticism (mainly by some lunatic who goes by the moniker "Lieutenant" Gene Mainen) and I am no longer going to take unwarranted rants lying "face down in the muck." The brunt of the flak that I have received is predicated off of the absurd and inaccurate notion that I don't grant New England sports teams, particularly the Patriots, even a glimmer of deserving praise for their string of dominance. Pasted below are just a few of the positive things that I've said about the Patriots and Boston as a whole within the past few weeks alone:



* In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."



* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."



* I am extremely cognizant of Manning's extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn't Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.



* The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one needs to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.



* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.


Psychotics like "Lieutenant Mainen," who I believe is actually Bradley Robert Sherwood of Beverly, Massachusetts and not a good man that I have come to know, read only what they want to read and they scoff at any material that's deemed contrary to their sentiments. Well, let me tell you, it's tough to report things without a negative slant when they involve blatant cheating (Belichick and "Spygate"), illegal performance enhancing drugs (Pats SS Rodney Harrison, 34) and unsportsmanlike behavior (the Pats and their affinity for needlessly embarrassing opponents). The Pats are having a tremendous season and when they are due credit, I will provide them with a world of it like I have in the past. When they are not due credit, I will open the gates of wrath.

• On that note, kudos to the Patriots (12-0) for their epic 27-24 victory in Baltimore Monday night against the Ravens (4-8). Although the Ravens are inept offensively, their defense still strikes the fear of a higher power into most teams around the league and it is a testament to New England that they were able to complete their comeback victory in front of a hostile crowd in “Body-more, Murda-land.” It is a win like Monday’s that lets you know that we are watching a special squad.





• The New York Giants highly-scrutinized quarterback, Eli Manning, 26, has about as much accuracy throwing a football as Dick Cheney and Bob Knight do shooting a rifle. Although it is entirely impractical because of the significant investment they made in Manning at the 2004 draft, the Giants should contemplate handing the reigns to their back-up signal-caller, Jared "the Pillsbury Throwboy" Lorenzen, 26. Lorenzen, a lefty who is generously listed at a tender 285Lbs, is without a doubt a portly specimen. Nevertheless, the former leader of the University of Kentucky can certainly throw that pigskin. The idea of switching to Lorenzen should at least be food for thought (pun Intended) for the "Big Blue's" hierarchy.


• The red-headed step-children of the NFL, the New York Jets (3-9) and the Flamingo's (0-12), dueled in South Beach Sunday afternoon with "Gang Green" prevailing 41-13. When the 2007 version of the Jets, who entered the game as a one-point underdog, sweeps a season series, the losing team is in a "world of fucking pain." Such pain, that I am confident that the Flamingo's have eclipsed the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs as the worst team in the annals of the NFL.

• The Minnesota Twins ace pitcher, Johan Santana, 28, is the most coveted commodity to hit the market since the Paris Hilton sex tape in the autumn of 2003. Santana, a lefty and two-time CY Young Award winner, can absolutely change the league's balance of power wherever he does ultimately land. Currently, the two bitterest rivals in baseball, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, are the clear-cut favorites to land the prized southpaw. Santana’s extraordinary skill level (93-44, 3.22 ERA since debuting in 2000) is undeniable. But, as a Yankee fan, I wonder if there isn’t a grander value on the market when everything is taken into account. Although not as overwhelming a force as Santana, the Oakland Athletics Dan Haren, 27, the Florida Marlins Dontrelle Willis, 25, the Baltimore Orioles Erik Bedard, 28, and the Tampa Bay Rays Scott Kazmir, 23, are all rumored to be available via a trade this winter. If it’s feasible for the Yankees to attain any one of those starters while still retaining their stud farmhand, Phil Hughes, 22, I think the Yankees may be better off without Santana.

• St. Louis Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa, 63, had his DUI arrest video released by the Jupiter (Fla.) police department last week and it can now be viewed on YouTube. In the video, La Russa recites the alphabet as “abcdefghijklmnizmnopqrstuvvztuvxyxz.” If his ABC’s are any indication, I would say the skipper tried to drink Nick Cage’s character in “Leaving Las Vegas” under the table. Predictably, he lost and now he’s an embarrassment to the entire “Show-Me State.”



• Upon being informed that the New York Knicks (5-11) had only one game on TNT this season, studio analyst Charles Barkley was quoted as saying, "Thank God." The "Round Mound of Rebound," who has historically been about as politically correct as “Archie Bunker,” could not have possibly been more poetic. The Knicks are a disgrace to their city and to the league as a whole and their leader since 2003, GM and Head Coach Isaiah Thomas, inexplicably has more immunity than Verbal Kint did in “the Usual Suspects.” Generally, I am not a “Doubting Thomas.” But, for the good of the game and the organization, Gotham needs a Thomas-less 2008.

• Pugilistic icon “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (38-0) will fight English folk hero Ricky “the Hitman” Hatton (44-0) Saturday night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. Mayweather, 30, is a far more talented boxer than Hatton, 29,“The Ring” magazine’s 2005 “Fighter of the Year.” Nevertheless, Hatton is skilled as well and if he is able to withstand Mayweather’s relentless flurries and penetrate his defense, he will have a punchers chance to pull off an upset. At the very least, the abrasive and insatiably cocky Mayweather may not be quite as “pretty” on Sunday morning.


• Legendary American motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died last week at the age of 69. Evel, who set a slew of “Guinness Book of World Records” during his career including most broken bones (40), had more moxie and pearls than any X-Gamer can ever fathom. Aspiring stuntmen of the future, look no further, Evel should be your inspiration.

• On a side note, I would like to congratulate my long-time friend and confidant, Wayne Joseph Ryder, 29, who performed his first civil marriage in a quaint Jersey Shore town this past Saturday evening. Ryder, a trucker, is a multi-dimensioned man and I am certain that he will evolve into a tremendous Justice of the Peace and make many couples happy all over the free-world.

• As Always, genuine “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.