• After a brief hiatus, I welcome you back to another edition of "In the Web."
• Former Senate majority leader George Mitchell released the findings of his investigation into the usage of steroids in baseball last Thursday afternoon at a press conference in New York City. In all, Mitchell fingered 86 former and current players as scofflaws (including 7 former MVP's, 3 Cy Young Award winners and 24 New York Yankees of the past and present). Considering his limited power, Mitchell, a Director of the Boston Red Sox, did an average job stigmatizing some big names. But, it wasn't nearly the blood bath that it would have been, and could have been, had Mitchell been granted with greater investigative powers into the notorious "Steroid Era."
An extremely well-respected baseball analyst who I had the privilege of conversing with on a daily basis a couple of years ago once told me that he believed 65% to 75% of players were guilty of utilizing performance enhancing drugs in this rogue timeframe (1994-Present). I believe the estimation of my source and I think that it's a shame that so few go down when so many shot-up.
• A friend and co-worker of mine, Rick Iorio, wondered aloud if perhaps the Executive Vice President of the New York Yankees, Hal Steinbrenner, should be appointed to conduct a follow-up to the Mitchell Report. I have a sneaking hunch that Nomar Garciaparra, Gabe Kaplar, Mike Lowell and many others from Yawkey Way would be in opposition of such an a appointment.
• Below is an excerpt from an article I wrote on October the 14th.
"If 'Tricky Dick' Nixon was a crook and New England Patriot's Head Coach Bill Belichick is a cheat, then Roger Clemens is a thief who is guilty of stealing millions of dollars from Steinbrenner for 4 uninspiring months of mediocrity. Although the most powerful union in America, the Major League Baseball Player's union, would never enable it, Clemens should exhibit some testicular fortitude and attempt to reimburse Steinbrenner for the unmitigated disaster that he was this year. On second thought, his testicles have likely eroded as the result of years of abusing steroids.
Speaking of banned performance enhancing drugs, a report surfaced moments ago indicating that former U.S. Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will release his report into steroids before the end of the year and the investigation will link many superstars and previously unmentioned players to the doping scandal. Run, Roger, run! Maybe A-Rod should start warming up to."
Mitchell pinpointing Clemens as a juice-head caught me with about as much shock as when Britney Spears acknowledged she lost her virginity prior to marriage. On the other end of the spectrum, I was absolutely flabbergasted that Alex Rodriguez wasn't in the report. As mind-numbing as it is, in this distorted day and age, Jose Canseco is baseball's answer to “Honest” Abe Lincoln when it comes to performance enhancing drugs. If Canseco says that A-Post-Season-Out has put needles in his back-cheeks then it’s likely he did. Seeing A-Rod tell Katie Couric on CBS that he is, and always has been, clean and void of synthetic testosterone reminded me a lot of when baseball's resident disgraced liar, Rafael Palmeiro, 43, told congress with finger-wagging intensity that he'd "never done steroids, period." Of course, with the Price of Polarization, the only difference was that Rodriguez got paid to pronounce his alleged innocence.
• Generally, I am not a conspiracy theorist. I think Lee Harvey Oswald was Jack Kennedy's lone murderer that terrible afternoon in Dallas, Texas. I think 19 members of Al Qaeda commandeered 4 commercial aircrafts on 9/11/2001 and that's that. But, with A-Rod's conspicuous omission, I wonder if Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig didn't politely ask Mr. Mitchell to keep his paws off the heir apparent to his sports all-time home-run crown. Rodriguez, who has 518 round-trippers at 32 years of age, will likely surpass Barry Bonds, the face of steroids, and his 762 lifetime dingers somewhere in the vicinity of the year 2012. Selig needs a dirty Rodriguez as much as he needs a case of herpes and I am confident that he'll go to great lengths to keep A-Rod's drug results cleaner than Danny Tanner's kitchen floor.
I know that what I'm writing is very speculative and controversial and I realize I'm going to chap a number of asses with my stance here. I am sorry. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I mean, you've heard crazier conspiracy theories, right?
• Listening to President George W. Bush address reporters in the wake of Mitchell's findings was yet another reminder that our leader is not the most phenomenal of public speakers. To be blunt, "Dubya" makes Reginald Denny sound eloquent
• If there's only one thing we should take away from the Mitchell Report it is that accused slugger David Justice "don't do no needles."
• Going into the 2007 MLB Playoffs, I erroneously predicted that the New York Yankees would cruise to their 27th world championship with ease. They didn't and the 2008 version of the Bomber's won't either if their brass doesn't finally make a transaction of some significant means. Oh, re-signing veterans at the back end of their careers doesn't count.
• The New England Patriot's (14-0) defeated the overmatched New York Jets (3-11) 20-10 Sunday in deplorable weather conditions to conclude this year’s chapter of "the Border War." The Patriot's truly are a tremendous squad and they could compete with any team from any era. Nevertheless, they haven't won the championship this year yet and every week I become more convinced that they won't.
• It's been more than ten days since "Pretty Boy" Floyd Mayweather ( 39-0 ), 30, knocked-out British folk hero Ricky "the Hitman" Hatton ( 43-1 ), 29, and I still can't get Hatton's song out of my head.
There's only one Ricky Hatton,
There's only one Ricky Hatton,
Walking along,
Singing a Song,
Walking in a Hatton wonderland.
Without dispute, these are the most grating lyrics since Hanson spewed "Um-Bop" circa 1997.
• Brian Sean Griffith, 40, a former bodyguard and hitman for white-trash figure skater Tonya Harding, died of natural causes last week in Washington County, Oregon. Griffith, who is the former Shawn Eckardt, gained infamy in 1994 when he conspired with two other degenerates, Harding's ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and the thug known as Shane Stant, to immobilize Harding's rival skater, Nancy Kerrigan. Despite her bummed gam, Kerrigan still managed to win the silver medal at the 1994 Winter Olympics. Griffith ultimately served 14-months on charges of racketeering for his role in the incident and he changed his name legally after being sprung from the pen in September of 1995.
Griffith, a born loser who was charged with misdemeanor assault in 2001, saw his computer business, Applied Information Systems, go belly-up in 2005 and he had been struggling to make ends meat ever since. There must be a higher power when a 40-year-old man of his moral fiber dies of "natural causes." As the nefarious Greek said on HBO's "The Wire," "The World is a smaller place now."
• I hope I find everyone having a tremendous Holiday Season and I sincerely thank you for giving me your time.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
In The Web
First off, I’d like to thank all of you for joining us for another fine edition of In the Web. Due to high stress from the holidays and personal life turmoil, In the Web’s regular author, Colin J. Linneweber, will be taking a week off.
In the wake of the blue-gummed Bambino, Alex Rodriguez, slithering back to the South Bronx to sign a consolation-prize contract of potentially $315 Million dollars, we’ve found ourselves in a whirlwind of smoke & mirrors that is commonly referred to as the MLB’s Winter Meetings. Despite the conclusion of the Winter Meetings last week, the Yankees-Red Sox-Twins rumor mill continues to sputter like Thornton Mellon’s sprinkler system on a hot July morning. Whether or not Johan Santana, Erik Bedard, Dan Haren and others will be dealt (and where) remains to be seen. But I think we can all conclude that, like every other off-season, the MLB “Hot Stove” reports would be more entertaining if we were able to watch Cpl. John Winger (Bill Murray) apply the “spatula treatment” to an attractive young M.P. (redheaded Sean Young) on top of that “Hot Stove”. At least there would be a definitive conclusion (in Winger’s case he and Harold Ramis get laid). My point here? The MLB off-season trade talks are the single most futile and monotonous story that the sport can provide, and it’s the same routine every year. Wake me when someone signs on the dotted line. Kudos to the Marlins and Tigers for sealing a mammoth deal, with less than 24 hours of obnoxious hype.
Monday morning, Falcons QB Mike Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison for the illegal dogfighting enterprise conducted at his Virginia home. As a dog-lover, I am not going to comment on the severity of the sentence. Virtually everyone in America has anger related to this story, its just a question of which individual angle on the story specifically chaps your ass. We saw several of the Falcons fans and players show support for Vick in the MNF game between Atlanta and New Orleans. I truly applaud both the fans and players for this, as Vick deserves a shot at serving his time and earning forgiveness/2nd chance etc. Coincidentally yesterday, Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino resigned to return to the NCAA ranks and coach the Arkansas Razorbacks. (For just a second, put aside the fact that the Petrino’s, Steve Spurrier’s and Nick Saban’s of the football world are pompous jackasses for playing musical chairs with their profession.) Later that afternoon, WR Roddy White angrily declared, “He’s (Petrino) abandoned us. We gave him and his family everything we had. The organization gave him all the money. Now he’s abandoned us.” This was the same Roddy White that not 24 hours earlier pulled his jersey up in the endzone to reveal a “Free Michael Vick” spraypainting on his undershirt. Did White make any remark about team captain Vick abandoning the Falcons with his criminally irresponsible lifestyle? Did White mention anything about the $130 million that the organization invested in his “homeboy”, that went down the toilet with the hammer of the Judge’s gavel? Of course not. I don’t think I need to spell out the irony here. It’s just typical in a professional sports world that seems to excuse millionaire athletes for not leaving their “ghetto” lifestyle behind them. It’s always everyone else’s fault……isn’t it, Roddy?
I will leave the Floyd Mayweather 10th Round KO over Ricky Hatton to Mr. Linneweber’s eagerly anticipated return next week, as boxing is his forte.
At approximately 3:30 Sunday afternoon, a prominent New Jersey business owner flew his private jet over Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA with a flag reading “Barry Bonds 756 HR*, Bill Belichick 3 Super Bowls*.” Just minutes later, the most potent offense in NFL history, performed a gridiron equivalent of open heart surgery on Steelers’ free safety Anthony Smith. On a day in which the Patriots ran 34 passing plays in-a-row, Smith bit on a play action fake to Laurence Maroney, allowing Randy Moss to slip 15+ yds behind the secondary, waltzing into the endzone for a touchdown. Two quarters later, Smith failed to hold his position and bit on a cross-field flea flicker from Brady/Moss/Brady to #5 target, Jabar Gaffney. Aside from publicly guaranteeing a Pittsburgh victory, Smith had slandered the Patriots wide receiving core, claiming “they’re not Cincinnati. We saw the best a few weeks ago in Cincinnati.” Yes folks, that’s the same Cincinnati that’s won five games this season. Anthony Smith’s comments are the perfect microcosm of the Spygate conspiracy that has been fueling the Patriots’ juggernaut since the second week of September. Just as Smith’s comments triggered a Patriot blowout of the #1 ranked Defense in football, the Spygate-induced asterisk next to the Pats 3 championships, has served as a unique & ferocious motivational engine for a 13-0 blowout machine. As December matures, NFL records will be breaking like Clark Griswold’s Christmas tree ornaments, as he chases vermin through his living room. The more NFL analysts, players and coaches hurl verbal fireballs at the Patriots, the more coal goes into the locomotive engine that is the Patriots’ psyche and work ethic. Despite its obviousness through 14 weeks of the regular season, the Anthony Smiths of the football world continue to fail to respect this fact. So when a supposed NJ business man flies a banner through the Foxboro sky, crapping on the legitimacy of the Patriots’ dynasty, ask yourself one question: Is it really a wealthy Jets fan in the cockpit………or Belichick’s former camera-toting assistant Matt Estrella, winking down at the head coach, as they conspire to keep the motivational inferno burning inside the 53 players on their sideline for just 6 more games………
I thank you all again for reading the weekly blog. God bless you all, and have a wonderful holiday season.
In the wake of the blue-gummed Bambino, Alex Rodriguez, slithering back to the South Bronx to sign a consolation-prize contract of potentially $315 Million dollars, we’ve found ourselves in a whirlwind of smoke & mirrors that is commonly referred to as the MLB’s Winter Meetings. Despite the conclusion of the Winter Meetings last week, the Yankees-Red Sox-Twins rumor mill continues to sputter like Thornton Mellon’s sprinkler system on a hot July morning. Whether or not Johan Santana, Erik Bedard, Dan Haren and others will be dealt (and where) remains to be seen. But I think we can all conclude that, like every other off-season, the MLB “Hot Stove” reports would be more entertaining if we were able to watch Cpl. John Winger (Bill Murray) apply the “spatula treatment” to an attractive young M.P. (redheaded Sean Young) on top of that “Hot Stove”. At least there would be a definitive conclusion (in Winger’s case he and Harold Ramis get laid). My point here? The MLB off-season trade talks are the single most futile and monotonous story that the sport can provide, and it’s the same routine every year. Wake me when someone signs on the dotted line. Kudos to the Marlins and Tigers for sealing a mammoth deal, with less than 24 hours of obnoxious hype.
Monday morning, Falcons QB Mike Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison for the illegal dogfighting enterprise conducted at his Virginia home. As a dog-lover, I am not going to comment on the severity of the sentence. Virtually everyone in America has anger related to this story, its just a question of which individual angle on the story specifically chaps your ass. We saw several of the Falcons fans and players show support for Vick in the MNF game between Atlanta and New Orleans. I truly applaud both the fans and players for this, as Vick deserves a shot at serving his time and earning forgiveness/2nd chance etc. Coincidentally yesterday, Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino resigned to return to the NCAA ranks and coach the Arkansas Razorbacks. (For just a second, put aside the fact that the Petrino’s, Steve Spurrier’s and Nick Saban’s of the football world are pompous jackasses for playing musical chairs with their profession.) Later that afternoon, WR Roddy White angrily declared, “He’s (Petrino) abandoned us. We gave him and his family everything we had. The organization gave him all the money. Now he’s abandoned us.” This was the same Roddy White that not 24 hours earlier pulled his jersey up in the endzone to reveal a “Free Michael Vick” spraypainting on his undershirt. Did White make any remark about team captain Vick abandoning the Falcons with his criminally irresponsible lifestyle? Did White mention anything about the $130 million that the organization invested in his “homeboy”, that went down the toilet with the hammer of the Judge’s gavel? Of course not. I don’t think I need to spell out the irony here. It’s just typical in a professional sports world that seems to excuse millionaire athletes for not leaving their “ghetto” lifestyle behind them. It’s always everyone else’s fault……isn’t it, Roddy?
I will leave the Floyd Mayweather 10th Round KO over Ricky Hatton to Mr. Linneweber’s eagerly anticipated return next week, as boxing is his forte.
At approximately 3:30 Sunday afternoon, a prominent New Jersey business owner flew his private jet over Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA with a flag reading “Barry Bonds 756 HR*, Bill Belichick 3 Super Bowls*.” Just minutes later, the most potent offense in NFL history, performed a gridiron equivalent of open heart surgery on Steelers’ free safety Anthony Smith. On a day in which the Patriots ran 34 passing plays in-a-row, Smith bit on a play action fake to Laurence Maroney, allowing Randy Moss to slip 15+ yds behind the secondary, waltzing into the endzone for a touchdown. Two quarters later, Smith failed to hold his position and bit on a cross-field flea flicker from Brady/Moss/Brady to #5 target, Jabar Gaffney. Aside from publicly guaranteeing a Pittsburgh victory, Smith had slandered the Patriots wide receiving core, claiming “they’re not Cincinnati. We saw the best a few weeks ago in Cincinnati.” Yes folks, that’s the same Cincinnati that’s won five games this season. Anthony Smith’s comments are the perfect microcosm of the Spygate conspiracy that has been fueling the Patriots’ juggernaut since the second week of September. Just as Smith’s comments triggered a Patriot blowout of the #1 ranked Defense in football, the Spygate-induced asterisk next to the Pats 3 championships, has served as a unique & ferocious motivational engine for a 13-0 blowout machine. As December matures, NFL records will be breaking like Clark Griswold’s Christmas tree ornaments, as he chases vermin through his living room. The more NFL analysts, players and coaches hurl verbal fireballs at the Patriots, the more coal goes into the locomotive engine that is the Patriots’ psyche and work ethic. Despite its obviousness through 14 weeks of the regular season, the Anthony Smiths of the football world continue to fail to respect this fact. So when a supposed NJ business man flies a banner through the Foxboro sky, crapping on the legitimacy of the Patriots’ dynasty, ask yourself one question: Is it really a wealthy Jets fan in the cockpit………or Belichick’s former camera-toting assistant Matt Estrella, winking down at the head coach, as they conspire to keep the motivational inferno burning inside the 53 players on their sideline for just 6 more games………
I thank you all again for reading the weekly blog. God bless you all, and have a wonderful holiday season.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
In the Web
• As the snow falls in New England, it is apparent that winter is upon us a tad early this year. I hope I find everyone well and I welcome you to another edition of "In the Web."
• Whether my writing was applauded or vilified, I had always been thankful that an individual took the time to read my work. Unfortunately, I have been the recent recipient of merciless criticism (mainly by some lunatic who goes by the moniker "Lieutenant" Gene Mainen) and I am no longer going to take unwarranted rants lying "face down in the muck." The brunt of the flak that I have received is predicated off of the absurd and inaccurate notion that I don't grant New England sports teams, particularly the Patriots, even a glimmer of deserving praise for their string of dominance. Pasted below are just a few of the positive things that I've said about the Patriots and Boston as a whole within the past few weeks alone:
* In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."
* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."
* I am extremely cognizant of Manning's extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn't Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.
* The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one needs to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.
* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.
Psychotics like "Lieutenant Mainen," who I believe is actually Bradley Robert Sherwood of Beverly, Massachusetts and not a good man that I have come to know, read only what they want to read and they scoff at any material that's deemed contrary to their sentiments. Well, let me tell you, it's tough to report things without a negative slant when they involve blatant cheating (Belichick and "Spygate"), illegal performance enhancing drugs (Pats SS Rodney Harrison, 34) and unsportsmanlike behavior (the Pats and their affinity for needlessly embarrassing opponents). The Pats are having a tremendous season and when they are due credit, I will provide them with a world of it like I have in the past. When they are not due credit, I will open the gates of wrath.
• On that note, kudos to the Patriots (12-0) for their epic 27-24 victory in Baltimore Monday night against the Ravens (4-8). Although the Ravens are inept offensively, their defense still strikes the fear of a higher power into most teams around the league and it is a testament to New England that they were able to complete their comeback victory in front of a hostile crowd in “Body-more, Murda-land.” It is a win like Monday’s that lets you know that we are watching a special squad.
• The New York Giants highly-scrutinized quarterback, Eli Manning, 26, has about as much accuracy throwing a football as Dick Cheney and Bob Knight do shooting a rifle. Although it is entirely impractical because of the significant investment they made in Manning at the 2004 draft, the Giants should contemplate handing the reigns to their back-up signal-caller, Jared "the Pillsbury Throwboy" Lorenzen, 26. Lorenzen, a lefty who is generously listed at a tender 285Lbs, is without a doubt a portly specimen. Nevertheless, the former leader of the University of Kentucky can certainly throw that pigskin. The idea of switching to Lorenzen should at least be food for thought (pun Intended) for the "Big Blue's" hierarchy.
• The red-headed step-children of the NFL, the New York Jets (3-9) and the Flamingo's (0-12), dueled in South Beach Sunday afternoon with "Gang Green" prevailing 41-13. When the 2007 version of the Jets, who entered the game as a one-point underdog, sweeps a season series, the losing team is in a "world of fucking pain." Such pain, that I am confident that the Flamingo's have eclipsed the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs as the worst team in the annals of the NFL.
• The Minnesota Twins ace pitcher, Johan Santana, 28, is the most coveted commodity to hit the market since the Paris Hilton sex tape in the autumn of 2003. Santana, a lefty and two-time CY Young Award winner, can absolutely change the league's balance of power wherever he does ultimately land. Currently, the two bitterest rivals in baseball, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, are the clear-cut favorites to land the prized southpaw. Santana’s extraordinary skill level (93-44, 3.22 ERA since debuting in 2000) is undeniable. But, as a Yankee fan, I wonder if there isn’t a grander value on the market when everything is taken into account. Although not as overwhelming a force as Santana, the Oakland Athletics Dan Haren, 27, the Florida Marlins Dontrelle Willis, 25, the Baltimore Orioles Erik Bedard, 28, and the Tampa Bay Rays Scott Kazmir, 23, are all rumored to be available via a trade this winter. If it’s feasible for the Yankees to attain any one of those starters while still retaining their stud farmhand, Phil Hughes, 22, I think the Yankees may be better off without Santana.
• St. Louis Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa, 63, had his DUI arrest video released by the Jupiter (Fla.) police department last week and it can now be viewed on YouTube. In the video, La Russa recites the alphabet as “abcdefghijklmnizmnopqrstuvvztuvxyxz.” If his ABC’s are any indication, I would say the skipper tried to drink Nick Cage’s character in “Leaving Las Vegas” under the table. Predictably, he lost and now he’s an embarrassment to the entire “Show-Me State.”
• Upon being informed that the New York Knicks (5-11) had only one game on TNT this season, studio analyst Charles Barkley was quoted as saying, "Thank God." The "Round Mound of Rebound," who has historically been about as politically correct as “Archie Bunker,” could not have possibly been more poetic. The Knicks are a disgrace to their city and to the league as a whole and their leader since 2003, GM and Head Coach Isaiah Thomas, inexplicably has more immunity than Verbal Kint did in “the Usual Suspects.” Generally, I am not a “Doubting Thomas.” But, for the good of the game and the organization, Gotham needs a Thomas-less 2008.
• Pugilistic icon “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (38-0) will fight English folk hero Ricky “the Hitman” Hatton (44-0) Saturday night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. Mayweather, 30, is a far more talented boxer than Hatton, 29,“The Ring” magazine’s 2005 “Fighter of the Year.” Nevertheless, Hatton is skilled as well and if he is able to withstand Mayweather’s relentless flurries and penetrate his defense, he will have a punchers chance to pull off an upset. At the very least, the abrasive and insatiably cocky Mayweather may not be quite as “pretty” on Sunday morning.
• Legendary American motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died last week at the age of 69. Evel, who set a slew of “Guinness Book of World Records” during his career including most broken bones (40), had more moxie and pearls than any X-Gamer can ever fathom. Aspiring stuntmen of the future, look no further, Evel should be your inspiration.
• On a side note, I would like to congratulate my long-time friend and confidant, Wayne Joseph Ryder, 29, who performed his first civil marriage in a quaint Jersey Shore town this past Saturday evening. Ryder, a trucker, is a multi-dimensioned man and I am certain that he will evolve into a tremendous Justice of the Peace and make many couples happy all over the free-world.
• As Always, genuine “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.
• Whether my writing was applauded or vilified, I had always been thankful that an individual took the time to read my work. Unfortunately, I have been the recent recipient of merciless criticism (mainly by some lunatic who goes by the moniker "Lieutenant" Gene Mainen) and I am no longer going to take unwarranted rants lying "face down in the muck." The brunt of the flak that I have received is predicated off of the absurd and inaccurate notion that I don't grant New England sports teams, particularly the Patriots, even a glimmer of deserving praise for their string of dominance. Pasted below are just a few of the positive things that I've said about the Patriots and Boston as a whole within the past few weeks alone:
* In any other season, Favre, 38, would be a lock to add to his collection of MVP hardware. Unfortunately for Favre and the rest of "Cheesehead Nation," this is not any other season. Tom Brady, 30, has already lapped his competition for this award like a Kenyan sprinter at the Boston Marathon. Brady's numbers are obscene (39 touchdowns in comparison to a paltry 4 interceptions) and he is the undisputed leader of a New England team that seems bound to be one for the ages. In essence, it is impossible to play the quarterback position better than Brady has this year. For your reference, the Webster's dictionary defines the word impossible as being "something that cannot be done."
* The irreparable New York Jets (1-8) are slated to face the dynamic New England Patriot's (9-0) at Gillette Stadium on December the 16th. As "Marcia Donnelly" said on HBO's "the Wire," "Lambs to the slaughter here." Unofficially and without confirmation, I was told that the largest spread in NFL history was 24 points. Is it even conceivable that the Patriot's won't be a greater favorite than that when they meet the Jets in this pending chapter of "the Border War?" After justifiably blowing the whistle on the New England Patriot's and their Head Coach and lead cheater, Bill Belichick, the Jets and their Head Coach, Eric Mangini, are on the cusp of "entering a world of pain." Belichick likes his protégé, Mangini, as much as Britney Spears likes panties and he will likely stop at nothing to shame the man who caused him such embarrassment in September's "Spygate Scandal."
* I am extremely cognizant of Manning's extraordinary skills on the gridiron. But, despite his Tecmo Bowl-like numbers in the past, I always swore that Brady, 30, was the greater passer. Now that he has the offensive weapons to prove my position, I feel vindicated. To date, Brady has hoisted 30 touchdowns in comparison to a measly 2 interceptions. But, wait, wasn't Brady deemed to be simply a system quarterback? Boy, some of those scouts really are earning their keep.
* The New England Patriot's (8-0) trounced the Washington Redskins (4-3) 52-7 Sunday to further their bid to become the first team to go undefeated in the NFL since the 1972 Miami Flamingo's. The Patriot's are simply in a different stratosphere and one needs to wonder if it's feasible for a team to be charged with running up the score in the first half of a game.
* Sexpot Jessica Simpson, 27, recently told Extra, "I think Boston has cute boys. I need a Boston man. A Boston man is closest to a Southern man, I believe." Come on! Boston's run of dominance is officially in overkill status.
Psychotics like "Lieutenant Mainen," who I believe is actually Bradley Robert Sherwood of Beverly, Massachusetts and not a good man that I have come to know, read only what they want to read and they scoff at any material that's deemed contrary to their sentiments. Well, let me tell you, it's tough to report things without a negative slant when they involve blatant cheating (Belichick and "Spygate"), illegal performance enhancing drugs (Pats SS Rodney Harrison, 34) and unsportsmanlike behavior (the Pats and their affinity for needlessly embarrassing opponents). The Pats are having a tremendous season and when they are due credit, I will provide them with a world of it like I have in the past. When they are not due credit, I will open the gates of wrath.
• On that note, kudos to the Patriots (12-0) for their epic 27-24 victory in Baltimore Monday night against the Ravens (4-8). Although the Ravens are inept offensively, their defense still strikes the fear of a higher power into most teams around the league and it is a testament to New England that they were able to complete their comeback victory in front of a hostile crowd in “Body-more, Murda-land.” It is a win like Monday’s that lets you know that we are watching a special squad.
• The New York Giants highly-scrutinized quarterback, Eli Manning, 26, has about as much accuracy throwing a football as Dick Cheney and Bob Knight do shooting a rifle. Although it is entirely impractical because of the significant investment they made in Manning at the 2004 draft, the Giants should contemplate handing the reigns to their back-up signal-caller, Jared "the Pillsbury Throwboy" Lorenzen, 26. Lorenzen, a lefty who is generously listed at a tender 285Lbs, is without a doubt a portly specimen. Nevertheless, the former leader of the University of Kentucky can certainly throw that pigskin. The idea of switching to Lorenzen should at least be food for thought (pun Intended) for the "Big Blue's" hierarchy.
• The red-headed step-children of the NFL, the New York Jets (3-9) and the Flamingo's (0-12), dueled in South Beach Sunday afternoon with "Gang Green" prevailing 41-13. When the 2007 version of the Jets, who entered the game as a one-point underdog, sweeps a season series, the losing team is in a "world of fucking pain." Such pain, that I am confident that the Flamingo's have eclipsed the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs as the worst team in the annals of the NFL.
• The Minnesota Twins ace pitcher, Johan Santana, 28, is the most coveted commodity to hit the market since the Paris Hilton sex tape in the autumn of 2003. Santana, a lefty and two-time CY Young Award winner, can absolutely change the league's balance of power wherever he does ultimately land. Currently, the two bitterest rivals in baseball, the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, are the clear-cut favorites to land the prized southpaw. Santana’s extraordinary skill level (93-44, 3.22 ERA since debuting in 2000) is undeniable. But, as a Yankee fan, I wonder if there isn’t a grander value on the market when everything is taken into account. Although not as overwhelming a force as Santana, the Oakland Athletics Dan Haren, 27, the Florida Marlins Dontrelle Willis, 25, the Baltimore Orioles Erik Bedard, 28, and the Tampa Bay Rays Scott Kazmir, 23, are all rumored to be available via a trade this winter. If it’s feasible for the Yankees to attain any one of those starters while still retaining their stud farmhand, Phil Hughes, 22, I think the Yankees may be better off without Santana.
• St. Louis Cardinals Manager Tony La Russa, 63, had his DUI arrest video released by the Jupiter (Fla.) police department last week and it can now be viewed on YouTube. In the video, La Russa recites the alphabet as “abcdefghijklmnizmnopqrstuvvztuvxyxz.” If his ABC’s are any indication, I would say the skipper tried to drink Nick Cage’s character in “Leaving Las Vegas” under the table. Predictably, he lost and now he’s an embarrassment to the entire “Show-Me State.”
• Upon being informed that the New York Knicks (5-11) had only one game on TNT this season, studio analyst Charles Barkley was quoted as saying, "Thank God." The "Round Mound of Rebound," who has historically been about as politically correct as “Archie Bunker,” could not have possibly been more poetic. The Knicks are a disgrace to their city and to the league as a whole and their leader since 2003, GM and Head Coach Isaiah Thomas, inexplicably has more immunity than Verbal Kint did in “the Usual Suspects.” Generally, I am not a “Doubting Thomas.” But, for the good of the game and the organization, Gotham needs a Thomas-less 2008.
• Pugilistic icon “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (38-0) will fight English folk hero Ricky “the Hitman” Hatton (44-0) Saturday night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. Mayweather, 30, is a far more talented boxer than Hatton, 29,“The Ring” magazine’s 2005 “Fighter of the Year.” Nevertheless, Hatton is skilled as well and if he is able to withstand Mayweather’s relentless flurries and penetrate his defense, he will have a punchers chance to pull off an upset. At the very least, the abrasive and insatiably cocky Mayweather may not be quite as “pretty” on Sunday morning.
• Legendary American motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel died last week at the age of 69. Evel, who set a slew of “Guinness Book of World Records” during his career including most broken bones (40), had more moxie and pearls than any X-Gamer can ever fathom. Aspiring stuntmen of the future, look no further, Evel should be your inspiration.
• On a side note, I would like to congratulate my long-time friend and confidant, Wayne Joseph Ryder, 29, who performed his first civil marriage in a quaint Jersey Shore town this past Saturday evening. Ryder, a trucker, is a multi-dimensioned man and I am certain that he will evolve into a tremendous Justice of the Peace and make many couples happy all over the free-world.
• As Always, genuine “thanks” for your time. I hope I kept you entertained.